International Fun Slide [j]

[cicero]

International fun Slide [j] by cicero

Did you know that if I were to tear a dollar in two then I would have no dollars? Fascinating isn’t it? So a while back I was on AIM having this argument about Terry Bola and whether I/we should give two shits about him. Personally I couldn’t care less about the sorry son of a bitch and despite all the protestations in regards to basic human decency and the like I continued to live by said un-caring ways.

Roll on a week or two and up pops a brilliant interview in which Hogan admits to empathizing with alleged killer OJ Simpson when the subject of his own estranged wife comes up. Awesome. After reading this I decided to go have a little looksie at some of the gossip surrounding this particular little pile of shit and, you know what, I’d kill the bitch too. Lazy cunt’s been doing nothing but sucking the Hulksters dick all her life and yet she’s the one that gets near everything? That’s fucked up, and now it seems she’s asking for more off the back of this? Come on ho, pull the dildo out already cause I think he’s had enough.

I’ll stop there before I start ranting about the justice system and the radical feminist movement, wouldn’t want anyone to blow a casket after all, but let me just finish by saying that whilst I still care more deeply for my garden hose than I do for Hulk Hogan if I had to give a shit about this then I’d probably side with the orange one.

Wait! I mean the one with dick.

Hang on... ok, the one without titties.

That doesn’t work either.

The one with a ‘tache?

...

Whatever, I’m sure you get what I’m saying.

Prolix;

How to suck the dick of Hunter Hearst Helsmley
Step one- Develop your athletic attributes; running, football, basketball, etc- anything that helps one become bigger and stronger will do. If possible try and dedicate as much of your life as possible to wrestling and bodybuilding so as to maximize your Triple H dick sucking potential.
Step two- Get noticed by WWE, if you’re willing than a tight ass and stuffed crotch will do wonders for getting your foot in the door though do please bear in mind that this can lead to a proposition of uncomfortable proportions sometime in the future.
Step three- Be awesome, no one’s going to want you around if you suck and being worthless is not commonly recognised as a standard prelude to the art of cock chocking.
Step four- Develop a following; H is a simple creature, one who relies as much on envy as he does on being a twat. Become popular enough and Hunter will view your success as a direct affront to his own position in the company, conversely you could just fuck Stephanie and hope that yours is the straw that breaks the proverbial camel’s back.
Step five- Make it impossible for Vince to hold you down any longer, doesn’t matter if you’re actually any good or not (most fans are stupid) just so long as you reach a point where being a colossal dickhead/abusing steroids no longer matters to the legion of wankers/fans who decide these things.
Step six- Congratulations superstar, there is no step six! It may be out of your hands by this point but have no fear, within weeks of your ascension to the top of the card you’ll be sucking the dick of Hunter Herst Helsmsley all over the airwaves.
ACT NOW and fear not, cocksucker, even if (for some unimaginably extraterrestrial based reason) you just simply HAD to take over the top of the card the HHH is more than happy to fake an injury just so he can shit all over your parade whilst setting you up for another fun filled round of dick sucking down the road.

Principal;
27 reasons as to why Vince and co are dicking about with CM Punk
1- He is a space cadet.
2- Triple Heyj was playing him for shits and giggles.
3- God is playing him for shits and giggles in a bet with the Frog king over the nature of human existence and whether the soul of man is little more than a one note entity of possessive greed and vanity whose continued survival is frankly somewhat of a miracle considering the ludicrous nature of society. The Frog king argued CM Punks continued employment with WWE was due to little more than the matter of money as opposed to, perhaps, any notion of personal happiness, God retorted that to some (at least) money can be a bridge towards happiness or at the very least tangible comfort in what little reality man has to contend with. The Frog king then pointed out that it is only through mans own choice that there is even a concept of value, take away man and money has no meaning thus why then would man care so much for money? God told the Frog king to shut up because he’s just a nothing but a frivolous frog.
4- The Undertaker is using his mysterious zombie powers to hold the young punk Punk down.
5- WWE realised the new wresting style makes Punk blow and (in classically refusing to take responsibility) dicked around with his character/storylines to make his suckitude look like his own fault.
6- CM Punk is responsible for 9/11 (as opposed to Muhammad Hassan)
7- He turned down Pat’s advances only to agree to Cena’s.
8- He once took a dump so egregious as to forever deny him a happy, logical, life.
9- Vince and co just want to see how far they can push him.
10- Adam Pearce paid Vince to disenchant Punk for the purposes of returning him to ROH
11- It was me.
12- It was you.
13- Maybe he just isn’t worth it? Mayhap the bookers have already long since decided that Punk is not cut out for the main event and that this whole ‘mitbuh’ business is just a tease to us internets folk.
14- Maybe he just sucks.
15- Perhaps it has something to do with when someone once asked him where the bathroom was and he pissed on their face.
16- Rey Mysterio’s holding him down.
17- He’s scared of Kane.
18- When asked once in a creative meeting what he felt best to do with his character he replied “sausages!” thus forever damming him to a life of asinine angles.
19- To be fair he could just as easily said “something good!” and still have been damned to a life of asinine angles.
20- Because Jeff Mangum wills it.
21- Conversely; because Chuck Norris said so.
22- Am I just being impatient? If you look back to the old days it used to take a while for someone to work their way up the crowd, especially (as is the case with Punk) when said individual was without a mad and easily identifiable gimmick.
23- On the subject of gimmicks, could not Colonoscopy Machinations Punk be given something better to work with? I’m not suggesting you stick him in a mask or give some lipstick and a bra to play with but just something you know, something that stands out a little. At the moment I would struggle to even call Punk generic.
24- I can’t help but think (like, perhaps, the big boys up north do) that a Punk title run just doesn’t really work. They’ve already spent so long building this ‘underdog’ thing that for Punk to actually succeed (as a face at least) would feel like something of a letdown.
25- Turn him heel than.
26- I hope this is what they’re doing.
27- Hopefully than this is the reason as to why Vince and co are dicking about with CM Punk, slow burn a heel turn to the point where a Punk title run might actually draw. Heels make for better champs anyway and as anyone who’s seen early Ring Of Honour can tell you Carefully Manicured Punk makes for a great heel, one of the real classic “I want to see that guy get his face kicked in” variety.

Volition;

Last time out I told of tales regarding my wholly illegal procurement of one John Cena’s diary, a most salacious tome from which I read a selection of his more confused poetry. Digging deeper through the vault of his pea brained mind I stumbled on this gem of all but indescribable awesome; a verse of such wondrous Jesus juice as to shatter the weakened pillars of reality, tear forth asunder unto the glorious heaven of Butterfly gods, reap warping ice cream goodness, and other such nonsense. It is (was?) entitled:

What Kerry Killowski wants (AKA if my dick was made of shrink wrap would you take me to Alaska?)

[Verse 1] I saw you on that ladder and my heart was filled with
Shame, all the problems in my life suddenly seemly so
vain. I saw the tears in your eyes, felt you deep inside
Reaching out to me I knew my heart was all for you.
You are my brother in black, my lover in languish
The Adam to my eve, the pill I can swallow.
You are the noose around my neck and the gun to my head
I need so bad; I need you in my bed.
So baby won’t you tell me what I need,
Jeff Hardy, are you emo for me?

[Chorus] Oh yeah baby, hmmm hmmm baby, emo to me
Baby, Jeff hardy baby, will you be my emo baby,
I want you my baby, Jeff Hardy emo, give it to me baby,
Jeff Hardy baby, baby baby, baby baby baby,
emo to me baby, emo me bad baby, I want you my baby,
My baby emo, emo emo baby, baby baby emo, Jeff Hardy penis

[Verse 2] I’ll suck you every day, I’ll suck you every night
I’ll suck you in the morning and whenever it feels right.
I’ll suck you on my knees and I’ll suck you on the floor,
I’ll suck you on a chair and I’ll suck you by the door.
I’ll suck you over here, I’ll suck you over there,
I’ll suck you like your dick was made of super frosty beer.

[Interlude] I will blow you in my car, I will blow you on a train,
I will blow you on my knees in the MOTHER FUCKING RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN

[Chorus] Oh yeah baby, hmmm hmmm baby, emo to me
Baby, Jeff hardy baby, will you be my emo baby,
I want you my baby, Jeff Hardy emo, give it to me baby,
Jeff Hardy baby, baby baby, baby baby baby, emo to me baby,
emo me bad baby, I want you my baby,
My baby emo, emo emo baby, baby baby emo, Jeff Hardy penis
Baby baby baby baby baby baby penis penis penis baby Hardy penis emo baby
Oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah babbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuyyyyyyyy

[Outro] That’s right baby,
you and me Hardy,
huh huh,
doing it dirty in the snow.

[The Maz]

Cici, I bet you are thinking I am coming here to rip you to shreds. Nah, we masterbated over the whole Hunter shit yesterday and I am all out of juice for another round. I actually think this is your best column to date. Keeping the particular rants short but sweet works well and you are beginning to perfect your unique offbeat style. Blow you in my car was tremendous and is a lock for number 1.

[Martin Riggs]

Good. i thought about coming up with a brilliant metaphor to relate to your column writing.

i didn't, but that would've been cool

[Stinger]

Hilarious stuff Cici, I especially enjoyed the 27 reasons why "Vince and co are dicking about with CM Punk". Funny lyrics as well.

[BeyondKnight]

Here is the problem with your columns.

In another couple weeks we are going to be seeing more and more people (mostly rookies) try and emulate these absurd narratives you keep crafting and they are going to fail miserably.


As far as Punk is concerned, I think every one of his opponent's finisher should be yanking on that damned Lip-ring and twisting it until he taps out or it tears free.


Excellent work, as always.

~BK

[NightofDay]

You know, if J-Boom, lenjr04 and Stinger weren't around then you would be my vote for COTM for sure.

[SkittleZ]

Me loves teh International Fun Slide.

The Kowalski poem and steps to suck Hunter's cock were lovely.

Another solid month it's been for you too. You're right up there with Stinger and Johnny B although I get the feeling you probably don't care that much about winning CotM which is actually a good thing (see Uncle Joe).

Sensational stuff, Cici. I may leave you be to reign over the CF for centuries.

[L-Man]

Dude these are awsome you remind me llot of Nonyand Madchuck with your random ass topics. Good job another wonderful clusterfuck

[Cottoneye]

I really enjoy your style. The song didn't do anything for me, but you're still one of the best on these forums.

[MaQ]

Another highly enjoyable column cicero. By far, you are one of the best writers in this forum at the moment

Good job and keep em coming!

[Leonard]

What can I say? You know you're good, and the rest of us do, too. I wasn't too much into the lyrics at the end, but that's just my personal taste. cicero, you take me on a very fun trip around the world of silly/slighty-nonsensical wrestling references, far away from my analytical world. It's kind of nice, periodically.

--Leonard

[cicero]

Cici, I bet you are thinking I am coming here to rip you to shreds.

Har har, I'd love to see you try and eat my sandwiches.

Nah, we masterbated over the whole Hunter shit yesterday and I am all out of juice for another round.

Good times in the snausage factory.

i thought about coming up with a brilliant metaphor to relate to your column writing.

i didn't, but that would've been cool

There would have been pies aplenty and oranges too, marshmallow rains would fall all around us as the sugar plum godfather gifted our golf balls.

Yay.

Here is the problem with your columns.

In another couple weeks we are going to be seeing more and more people (mostly rookies) try and emulate these absurd narratives you keep crafting and they are going to fail miserably.

Suggesting people would stoop so low as to imitate me? You give me far too much credit dear Knightster for I am no success story, but much rather a cautionary tale.

You know, if J-Boom, lenjr04 and Stinger weren't around then you would be my vote for COTM for sure.

I hear you loud and clear buddy. *"Johnny, could you come over here quickly? ...Yeah, the cupboard right there, I'll follow you in a second"

"y'all right Len? Say, do you want go to the park tonight? Should we say midnight? Awesome."

"Stinger! Stingy, stingy, Stinger... hows it hanging bruv?...yeah, yeah... hey, check out my new knife!"*

Me loves teh International Fun Slide.

As I love you Senor Cake face.

clusterfuck

Hawt

It's kind of nice, periodically.

Watcha

[Roger Murtaugh]

Originally Posted by cici

wouldn’t want anyone to blow a casket

I don't know, it sounds kinky as fuck.

Fun times as usual cici.