Dear Vince 2: The Letter Bomb Edition

[Stone Cold's Beer Gut]

Dear Vince 2: The Letter bomb Edition



Before we get started - I just wanted to let you all know I have decided to actually send these letters to WWE Head Office, addressed to one Vincent Kennedy.......(Kenneddddyyyyy!!) Mcmahon...oh yeah, he's gonna get it; - he's gonna get it reeeeaaalll good. The boy's sure got a purdy mouth...I er...so anyway, the big cheese will receive some true and honest feedback on his product. Any response I get from WWE (probably none, but let’s stay positive here like that guy in the film Philadelphia) I will scan and add into the column for all to see.





"Let's stay positive guys! Huh? What's that? What do you mean I'm gonna die??!Oh man, of AIDS??!!!! No fucking way!"

On another note, you may find from time to time that certain WWE 'Superstars' will post their letters in this column too. It will be their forum, their chance to get it all off their chest, it will be their voice and it will be heard. And the voice will be more beautiful than Danny Gokey's..the guy in American Idol...anyone? No? Really? You know with the glasses and shit...No? OK, well in the words of R-Kelly in the playground, let's get it oooooonnnnnnnnnnnn!! I got a stored signature manoeuvre and my momentum meters at full - it’s time to hit motherfucking Y!!



Dear Vince,

I hate my life. You hear me? You juiced up old bastard..I hate it and it's all your fault. You see, when I was growing up, I could rely on a few things: prostitutes, getting beaten up on my way home from school everyday and W.W. motherfuckin EFFF!! Yeah, F. Fuck WWE right in its tight, little, nun's ass.

Why could I rely on it? Because it brought joy to an otherwise pretty shitty life. A life where my cat used to poop by my pillow each nite while I slept so I woke up smelling of shit everyday. That's the kinda guy I am.

But you Vincent, you brought me an escape, week in week out. As I crawled through the debris of misery known as living, once a week, I would sit down and forget it all. In one instant, I could just...forget it all. From the opening riffs of the Ultimate Warriors Theme tune, the gong of the Undertakers bell chiming in, or the power chords of Real American blasting through the TV, I knew from that point on, I would have a few hours where everything was alright.


Everything was good back then Vinny baby. From midcard to main event, I gave a shit about the entire roster, even Koko B Fucking Ware (of the taxman, cause you owe some shit motherfucker), I looked forward to every match. Warlord, Barbarian, the mighty Bushwhackers - fuck I loved the Bushwhackers...I whacked Steph's bush once Vince, your own daughter. I love that bitch. But she so cold man, left me to be with Conan the Burier of Midcard! ps Vince this is the part of the column where you can start chanting "This is Awesome clap clap clap clap, This is Awesome clap clap clap" You anally prolapsed son of a bitch.



You gave us The Rockers, Legion of Doom, Ricky Martel, Tito Santanta, Tatanka, Ted Bisiase, Randy Savage, Sid, Hogan, Warrior - what can you see here Vince? What is it that stands out to you dickwad? What, you think it was only cause I was young and it was colourful that your product seemed so good? No my main man, let me tell you about...The Attitude Era.




Monday nites baby - The Rock, Austin, Foley, HHH and DX (or as I used to call him in those days Cripple H cause he always tore his quads..ahahahhhahahhha heh he...cough)



"I'm HHH baby!! WOOOO!!"


ahem, as I was saying...New Age Outlaws, Angle, Val Venis, Dudleys, Ken Shamrock, (can we can skip Mideon..naked Mideon?) - the roster was deep, but more importantly, the product was fucking interesting, everyone had a character and I gave a damn about who the champ was, who was feuding with who, who was gonna turn heel/face. It all gelled and it was quite frankly, unmissable.

This has been gone over a million times, but you know why? It's because we all want it to be that good again. It's because we all know what you're putting out right now can and should be so much better. It can be good again Vince, it can be great, but it's time to start making some changes.

So what made those eras so awesome Vizzo Mcmizzo? Why was the Hogan and Attitude era so damn great?

Well tell me something Buttmunch. What exactly is CM Punks character?? What exactly is MVP's character now?? What is Evan Bourne's character? What about Christian and his tag team partner Jewish? Even the mighty Cena?? What is his 'gimmick' other than just being a nice guy?? Vince, riddle me this, why are your faces all so goddam bland?? Where are the catchphrases, the awesome promos, the mic time? Tell me something about your Diva division..what is the difference between Kelly Kelly and Maria character-wise? Or Gail Kim or Melina? Why is it that it's there is only one person in the entire Diva division who has any personality...The Glamazon Billy Gunn. He's an ass man, he's an ass man.(what do you mean that's a chick?? It's not Billy?? Really??! Damn)




The heels are doing OK, we got ourselves Edge, Orton, Jericho etc, the heel Divas are good wank bank material but man, your faces bar the old school guys like Hunter and Taker, are just...meh. You know back in the day my little cock squirt, you used to have some amazing promos in that very ring. When The Rock's music hit "If Ya Smeeeellll...." or The Glass Shattered or Angle's Trumpets blared, dammit you knew you were in for a ride. Now we get backstage segs, where guys like Punk (who I like by the way) say "Well gee gollywizz, it sure would be nice to win that there Championship belt uh huh uh huh. Shucks, I sure hope I get me a chance to win, hoo boy, sure is shiny."



What about those awesome Desire vids you used to run? My Sacrifice playing over shots of Rock Bottoms, Stunners, Pedigrees, Angle Slams, bright lights, roaring crowds, it was electric. Now, what do you give us? Fucking Did You Know captions...Did You Know: Vince Mcmahon Shifted More Melons Up His Ass Than Any Other Human Being On The Planet Last Year Beating: Randy Newman, Larry King, Elton John and Matt le Blanc. Fucking Raw recaps every 2 seconds where I get to see Fred kick you in your little head. Again. And again. And Again. Recap this bitch, me taking Steph's anal cherry..yeah..that's right, she actually put a cherry up her own ass.



Vince, why do you think we cheer the heels?? I want to get into your shows, I really do, but for fucks sake, your faces are so damn boring! I get that the E is for the kids now, but so was Gary Glitter and he fucking sucked. So just cause you've watered things down, doesn't mean that the product has to lack passion. You neutered Cena and I actually feel sorry for him in how limited you've made his character. MVP used to have some bite, now he does that gay 'Ballin' shit. Christian used to be entertaining, now his only character trait is that he come out to the entrance ramp and looks like he is short-sighted or something. You get the point you pervert, so fucking inject some freaking invigoration into our WWE!!!!



"Say, that looks like Linda Mcmahon over there...ooh, nope, my mistake, its a corpse...oh look at that, it's sitting right next to my career!"

Vince, I want to tell you something. We all make mistakes - just for a laugh once at a House Show, I managed to get a Billy Gunn chant going, you remember, back in his The One Billy Gunn persona?? Yeah, him. I got a big ol chant going thru the arena..it was meant to be ironic Vince...but I think it may have inspired you to keep him on the roster that much longer...for that, I apologise. I apologise to the entire IWC.

But like Nicolas Cage's toupee, you keep sliding off into the abyss. Vince, how the fuck can you build a company around guys with zero personality.
You gotta get them to cut the fuck loose. I keep wanting everyone on the roster to turn heel just so I can get into their characters. I honestly couldn’t give less of a shit when Punk comes out or if he wins, loses gets buttfucked up a pole or had Hornswoggle's head shoved up his ass. I think he’s a great wrestler, seen the fantastic promos he can cut in ROH and the Indie circuit, but wow is he bland in WWE. MVP used to have some swagger, some zest, some juice. Now he is flatter than Mae Young's titties. Let me start a little chant for you, BORRIIIINNGGG, BOOORRRIIINGGGG, BORRRRRIIINNNGGG...!



Cena used to come out and I looked forward to his little nursery rhymes, but fuck me sideways with a strap on, all he does now is salute, talk about how he likes his opponent and thanks the fans for fucking booing his ass! Don't thank me motherfucker, show me some character. Cena should have been absolutely huuugge and fair play to him, he has achieved a massive amount at WWE, but let him cut a promo where he doesn’t have to smile and be so...bland. Let him be real, not this milk drinking chicken fart you've turned him into. Mysterio...he can still put on a great match, but promo wise...what am I buying into here?? Who is Rey Mysterio??

Fuck man, back in the day, you gave Road Dogg a fucking character, you even gave The Goddwins and Mark Henry some kinda raison d'etre. Vincent 'twisty nipples' Mcmahon it ain't rocket science. You want more viewers so ad companies pay more bucks, so more merch shifts so more tickets sell so more PPV's get bought etc etc. It all begins with you making us, the fans CARE about what we are seeing. You got guys on the brink of retiring in Taker, HBK etc and HHH with a good 5 years left at the top, but beyond that and beyond Orton and Cena, you gotta build for the future. Kids don’t even want PG content, are you dumb? They want blood, they want tables, they want violence and as they get older, some T and A. Because that means they shouldn't be watching it, because that means their parents won’t want them to watch it...guess what, it will make those very same kids absolutely DESPERATE to watch Raw, Smackdown and er...probably not Superstars..cause that's shit. Beacause it will be edgy, cause it will push their buttons. Kids want what they shouldn't have. Bring back the E in WWE. We Won't Excite or We Will Excell...what d'ya wanna be Vincent?




"So, let me get this straight Mr Mcmahon, I stick MY dick up YOUR ass??"

So, a week of TV has passed as has the debut of WWE Superstars.

So where have you gone right?

First let me congratulate you on making the first step towards the biggest money making feud of all the times, Legacy vs The Mean St Posse!!! Shane O'Mac vs Cody Rhodes is only the first piece of the puzzle. Pete Gas vs Randy Orton Hell in a Cell is the next step my man.





Now that's the positive out the way. Here comes the Pain.

1) Why the fuck is Shane being pushed in Brock Lesnar fashion. Is he gonna F5 Orton at Backlash then Jackhammer Batista just for a laugh?? Or you setting him up as the new WWE Champion?? No? Then Fucking make him look like the middle aged, flabby dad of two he is, rather than destroying Legacy all on his lonesome..you fucking moron.

2) Why the fuck was CM Spunk vs Kane the Jobber of Fire added to Cacklash?? What is the point?? What purpose will this serve?? What build up was there?? Huh? HUH??!!

3) Ever hear of too much of a good thing?? Steamboat is absolutely awesome, but please let this be the end of the milk you pump from him. Fans are so fickle, let this be his send off and make it a good one before fans start to turn on him.

4) And the point of WGN's' Superstars' is...??? Oh I see, to bore me to death...why didn't you say buttmunch! Cody Rhodes main event FTW!!!

5) Could you make Batista's heel turn any more obvious..?? Hmmm. Cacklash will be where the Animal buttfucks The Haitch.

Some other points I wish to raise Mcmahon.

6) Have you seen One Night In Chyna?? Dude, she has a penis! A PENIS!!! Ha ha, Haitch banged that! Now Burier of Midcard bums my ex daily. When he does her doggy, do you reckon he does that weird roar, arm raising, thing behind her??! Do they enter the bedroom to their entrance music with Howard Finkle announcing?

7) Keep Jeff on board. He is your best prospect of a good, NEW, face champion. Smackdown needs him cause the boy is super over. CM Cunt ain't gonna be that guy yet Vince. You give Punk the title..his ass is gonna get booed

8) Future release the following: Michale Cole, that is all. We all hate him. Still




"I have chronic constipation."

9) Get Matt Hardy to hit the fucking gym once in while.



"I'm Matt Hardy!!! YEEEAAHHH!! Read my blog and watch me legdrop all the way from the SECOND turnbuckle!! Yeah, second motherfucker!! EXTRREEEEMMMEEE!!! "

10) Did you really bone Trish and Torrie?? I hate you man.

11) Have you thought about your Summerslam main event yet?? No? Fucking start buster. Please lets begin some long built up feuds that we give a shit about. Cena Vs Tista 2 is my bet, cause I am certain WM26 main event will be HHH vs Cena 3

12) If there is no blood in the Last Man Standing Match, I won't talk to you for a week and will tell Linda.

13) Santina's not funny anymore. Santino is. Push him.

14) Come back as a recurring character. I hate you, but I need you. Like most of my exes.

15) Finally, Teddy Long is the least cool, least convincing black, black guy I've ever seen..player. Michael Cole is also not the new Sean Mooney. Mooney was money, Cole is a penis.


Vince, I hope you write back, I'm your biggest fan, sincerely yours, this is Stan..tears run cold I'm wondering whyyyyy got out of bed at alllll..

Vince, I DO hope you write back so I can have a big ol' shit, take your letter, wipe my ass with it, let it rot out on my windowsill for a month or two, then send it back to you. You pig fucker.

Sincerely yours,

Stone Cold's Beer Gut

[Martin Riggs]

This was nice. There was a point you wanted to get across and you did that. However, comedy works in 3's. So after the third nickname/insult for Vince McMahon, it got old. And I mean painful to read after a while. Also, slow down the mass swearing. While I don't have anything against it, it makes you look like you've got a limited vocab. Not a good thing for a writer.

Overall this was nice, i liked the idea and the execution was okay, it just needs cleaning and tidying up a bit.

[Lucas_Nova]

I THINK i liked this, but im not sure! You've left me perplexed as to whether this was an ironic piece on those just throwing out random insults and ludicrous ideas or whether you genuinly believe this, I hope it was the first, if it is, i LOVE it.

I will agree with J-Boom in the sense that the swearing became more like watching a programme with your parents you're all enjoying then suddenly a sex scence is thrown in from nowhere (you imagine the level of awkwardess) Swearing is a great tool of emphasising a point throwing in the odd 'fuck' can grab attention when otherwise it'll go unoticed. Having said that, if this was an ironic piece, then ignore everything as the parody of a raging fan who really isn't too sure what he wants is then spot on.

It's safe to say I'll be stopping by again, and i look forward to discovering my query on irony or, er, not. Then again, if you wish to remain an enigma to me then I'm equally happy.

Nova.

Ps. If you really did send this to Vince expect the police to come knocking, but then again I wouldn't worry too much, they're probably just being played by developmental.

[Zuma]

This should have ended after the Billy Gunn picture, and in no way should have continued after the Christian picture. Learn when to edit yourself... you're pretty funny, and I like the effort put into this. Nice job, just... stick to the good stuff and keep the mediocre stuff to yourself until you can develop it into something either funny or of substance.

[Haven]

I thought it was all hilarious... the best collumn I've read lately. Kept my attention all the way through which is pretty hard to do.

[NightofDay]

I guess I don't really need to repeat what other people have said. It was entertaining, and at times you had me in stitches with laughter. However, as much as I love using swear words in a column, you should only use swear words to make a point or to make something even funnier. A limited vocabulary will not do wonders.

Good attempt, and you improved on last time but just those niggiling little points can stunt someone's growth as a columnist.