International Fun Slide [i]

[cicero]

International fun Slide; by cicero

Prolix;

I just took a lot of pro-plus to see what would happen, snorted half and downed the rest with a barley hops chaser in the hope it would make a difference. I believe it has.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I regaling you with tales of a bored kid and his attempts to abuse legality? I don’t know really, just what people do I suppose; let’s put on some music.

That’s better, nice bit of Elephant Gun, I feel more in mood now- in mood for the talk of wrestling. What to speak of then, what story to manipulate or foreign idea to capitulate; what shall be the sum of today’s scribble time?

SCRIBBLE TIME!>!>!> Now there’s an idea;

IFS Productions present: $CRIBBLE TIME (following a quick smoke break)
(I feel really tall; it’s an odd sensation though not without its pleasures.) I can not believe, hand on my penis and may my balls turn to stone, that CM Punk did not make his skinny presence known at the end of last night’s RAW. Not because of the whole ‘Smackdown has no Champion’ business mind but rather because I expected Punk and his ‘mitbuh’ challenge to be sacrificed to the ever growing ego of one Hunter Hearst Helmsley. I do figure (like with near everyone else I imagine) that the recent ‘changes’ to H’s character are probably nothing more than Vince McMahon again hoping to prove his superior intelligence by swerving the IWC, but that doesn’t excuse how excruciating it is to watch. (I love that sentence; a paragraphs worth of information condensed into one little line)

(Time for a random tune that will in turn dictate the topic of the next paragraph, and the winner is; ‘Naomi’ by Neutral Milk Hotel from the album ‘On Avery Island’.)

(Long pause)

(The subject is Ring of Honor)
Dissention spreads through the ranks of “Ro’s” supposedly growing fan base. If not condemnation for the recent title change(s) than the claws are borne for the ‘as of yet’ rather poor television product. Having been away for a few weeks (and generally not being of “in ze moneys”) I can’t say there has been much chance for me to watch the recent happenings so mayhap I’m not the best to say this but, “ewwww, what went wrong?” I know I can’t blame the company (or rather Adam Pearce) for recent injuries to have impacted the card but still... I haven’t forgotten that the Jerry Lynn rumours first popped up before Nigel’s injury.

As for the televisial product; it just ain’t very good.

(One more song)

(This one isn’t quite so random by the way)

(Crazy long pause [that continues])

(I can’t find a suitable song, everything just sounds so depressing)

Here’s a thought though; is a trade to Smackdown Vince’s way of saying “we don’t need you anymore”?

Principal;

I don’t know if any of you have noticed but over the past few weeks my columns have been based on the letter with which they were labelled; staring with IfS [f] (the ‘fuck’ edition) we then had [g] the ‘greatest movie ever’ edition, and [h] the ‘hallucinatory’ edition. This of course brings us to International fun Slide [i] AKA the ‘imitation’ edition. Imitation is apparently all the rage these days with columns copying other columns cropping up all over the crusty confides of the cool column hang out. To this then I add a work in imitation of BeyondKnight’s totally sucky Dub-Dub-E to Justice League comparisons.

Sucky you say? Bit harsh don’t you think?

Not at all my dearly concerned readers, Mr Knight was quite his usual qusai-awesome self; instead what dragged his column down to the deepest levels of suck were the comparisons themselves between JLA and WWE. My thoughts on the latter are already quite well known so let me just state then for the purpose of clarity that the former can suck my dick.

Superman? More like Diaperman.

Batman? More like Emoman.

Wonderwoman? More like Poowoman.

Any well adjusted social nerd can tell you where the real shit assemble;

Ugh, I’ve changed my mind. Let’s do something else.


How about a short play entitled; John Cena ain’t got no eggs
(a brief note from the ed- stage directions have been replaced with a first person narrative)

Images from the night before flash through the murky mist of my mind; one drink than another, another, and another again. Edge had been there (as always) plying the ladies with his numerous Canadian shot glass tricks; the slippery dipstick, the song playing willow tree, asses in blue fire, the ‘oopsie-daisy-I-see-your-boobies’ triple quad special, the unwavering train guard, yellow night in knights armour, Constantinople can suck it, the list goes on, and many more after that. I had another drink. Big Show arrived, knocking the door down with his fist just because he could, then Swagger, swaggering and staggering between two ‘ladies’. By the time Jeff Hardy showed up (he gets lost a lot) I had seen the drunken face of God, swilling as it was from the bottom of my glass.

Arggh!

The shrill sound of the alarm pierces my swimming ears. Fumbling madly to the right of me I finally find the offending object and toss it across the room.

Fuck you! It’s Tuesday!

I scream towards the no doubt scared and confused alarm clock. With barely a moment to contemplate its new airborne existence the defenceless item smacks into my marbled floor to the sound of a sickening thud.

Beep, bee...

Returning to thoughts of my awesome self I wonder what best to do with my day

I know, I’ll have a wank!

Not sure why I said that aloud but whatever, I’ll just turn of the lights...

Hold up! I ain’t got no eggs!

Fin.


(Authors note- When I began my intention was to humorously insult the denizens of wrestling by comparing them to the metaphorically apt two dimensional characters of comic books, only to realise the rich and detailed histories of the comic book compatriots were far too complex as to find comparative counterparts in the wrestling world. Or to put it another way I found the painted populace of the printed page to be more believable than the cartoon caricatures who reside in the rectangular ring. No better could this unfavourable comparison be seen then with self proclaimed ‘Super-Hero’ John Cena with whom, after a brief period of thought, I came to this conclusion; a lot of people don’t like John Cena because they think he’s a self righteous twat, but rather they hate him because they think he’s a one note stereotype. I applaud, to a degree, the efforts of TNA in making characters of a more morally muddled nature and feel it highlights (though somewhat poorly) an aspect of good narrative that wrestling has been missing for some time; confliction.

I’m not talking about tweeners here but just a simple honest to goodness grey area. As it stands now we often understand a wrestler motivations no better than ‘this good, that bad, and VENGANCE!!!!’ Where are all the “well he might have a point...” and the “what is the right thing to do?” moments; instead heels always act irrationally and faces often illogically just so the stupid people can keep up. I can but think of one storyline (and one wrestler) where attempts have been made to shake things up a little, that of the (basically) heel H in an entirely face situation; only problem with that scenario is that Hunter is pretty much just a cunt who I feel no sympathy towards what so ever. Some might say to lame the blame at my feet, that it’s my fault for overanalyzing and just generally being a little anal retentive bitch; well to that I say ‘try harder’, If I can be made to care about the trials and tribulations of comic book super villains as pencilled to the pages of paper than adding a little spice to characters that actually live and breathe shouldn’t be all that hard.)

Volition;

Here’s a little poem I found hidden away in John Cena’s diary, he really does love his eggs;

Eg(and)g sandwiches in coffee pills
Ere great and gallant sand tipped astronaut,
Down whom into collect his every sigh,
Indelibly nourishes captive orderly five fifty each
Everyone participate in light littered sun.

Another poem, one I feel gives us true insight into the mind of John Cena;

CrossDresser
I feel the rapist he do see
To be a woman he thinks he be
The violence is a cry for help
In fear he was left on the shelf
For never was he finished ‘fore
Coming out his mothers door
And so he seeks to go back in
To start his whole damn life
Again.
I feel the rapist he do see
His violence is a cry for help
For he a woman he thinks to be
Again.

I’ll leave it up to you, dear reader, to decide just what this tells us of poor John Cena’s existence.

[Martin Riggs]

Some men dream in black and white. Cicero dreams only in psychadelic rainbows. You're the most fantastically original columnist around here, Cic. You're so good, you warrant more feedback than i can give you. So i'll stop.

[SUPERFAN!]

Returning to thoughts of my awesome self I wonder what best to do with my day

I know, I’ll have a wank!

HAHAHAHHAHAAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Bad news: you might be legally insane.
Good news: this column was fucking awesome!

Funny funny stuff here Paulie. But it ended too soon for me, can't wait for the next one!

[Leonard]

My first reaction: What?
My second reaction: Okay, I dig.

Great work yet again...nothing more I can say here, man. Allow me to give you the arbitrary rating of 905.6/945.72.

--Leonard

P.S., my "Building Instructional Design" teacher mentioned Cicero this afternoon in class, and unfortunately, instead of thinking of the guy I was supposed to, I thought of you and 12 Rounds.

[Roger Murtaugh]

Whole crap load of things to comment on

-Punk/Edge (yeah I'm thinking Edge will actually beat Cena, silly me) is gonna be the MITB match. Let's not forget the history between the two since Punk cashed in on Edge last year, this year Edge gets revenge. Or does he.

-My knowledge of ROH is pretty limited so yeah. What's everyone's problem with Jerry Lynn all of a sudden though. Few years back they were sucking the guy off. Giving he isn't getting any younger but when I saw him wrestle about a year and a half ago he still was solid.

-TNA doing something right? Yeah it's a crazy concept but they really do get a few things right. Plus they finally gave us a legit Kurt Angle vs Christopher Daniels match. Maybe they'll turn the corner soon.

Keep being crazy cici (that seemed like a generic yearbook signature but I'm rolling with it)

[NightofDay]

This was nonsensical yet strangely entertaining at the same time. If promotion to the MP was based on originality you'd probably be the only guy on there. And yes I agree with SUPERFAN!, that wank comment had me in stitches for about 10 minutes.

I'm getting withdrawal symptoms for next time.

[L-Man]

Wow dude this was great again,

Although I havent commented on your columns lately I have read them all

Really the only way I can describe this is as,

A Beautiful Clusterfuck

[Captain Awesome]

I have no clue what I just read...

...and somehow it was great.

As I've said before, you have a style that is all your own and never ceases to entertain. Keep it up!