Inside the Mind Specials: Murder He Wrote.

[anonymous]

Chapter 1.

HHH was in a bad mood. Since he’d made a decision to take time off, he’d been unable to focus. He’d been unable to focus on keeping fit. He’d been unable to focus on his loving wife, Stephanie. He’d even been unable to focus on his beautiful daughter, Aurora-Rose. All thanks to a letter. A letter which, having arrived two days ago had since consumed every waking minute of his life. A letter which, deep down, terrified him. A letter which was gradually making him become insane.

He picked up the letter again and looked at it.

Paul,

You’ll pay for what you’ve done to me and the others. We’re coming to get you.

See you soon.

That was it. No signature. No address. Just a threat. And HHH was taking it very seriously. He threw the letter onto the ground, stamping on it for good measure. Then, he picked up the telephone and tried to call his father-in-law. It took him 2 minutes to realize that the telephone wasn’t working. “Damn it!” he shouted, before collapsing back on a chair. What could he do to take away this fear? How could he ensure the safety of his family? As he sat, HHH saw a cab waiting outside. The driver was black but, he wasn’t going to let his prejudices get in his way this time. He needed to see Vince now. Vince had a calm head and was used to death threats. And seeing him in person looked to be HHH’s only option. So, he put his shoes on and, without bothering to tie his laces, he got into the back of the cab. “Take me to WWE HQ”, he said to the driver. “And quickly”. Without a word, the driver sped off. HHH leant back and breathed heavily. Soon he’d be calm and focussed again. Soon he’d be with Vince.

But suddenly, the cab swerved off the road and into a field! HHH was tossed from side to side as the car got faster and faster. He should’ve worn a seatbelt. The car continued to speed up, despite a cliff edge ahead. Then, the driver opened his door and bailed out of the speeding car, leaving it careering wildly out of control. HHH tried to open his own doors frantically but they were locked. He tried to smash the windows but, it was too late. HHH’s last memory of the incident was of his own back hitting the roof of the car as it fell off the edge of the cliff. His last thoughts were, “I knew I shouldn’t have trusted a damn black driver”.

Chapter 2.

The Undertaker was in agony. Michelle had treated him like a much younger man last night and he was suffering this morning. He would never tell her that but, sometimes having a younger woman could be difficult in the bedroom. Yet, it was a sacrifice he was willing to make. He loved Michelle with all his old, slightly dodgy and worn out heart. Now, all he needed to do was work out how he’d be able to do a full workout at the gym after he’d already had a full workout between the sheets. And how to convince his knees to get him to the gym. They were the knees of a 100 year old man and they were quickly letting him down. He could barely walk. He opened the door to his house and saw a cab waiting outside. “That’s convenient”, he thought, before stepping into the cab and saying “Get me to the nearest parlour”. He’d never admit to anyone that he got a massage every morning but, it was the only way he could survive the pain. The massage relaxed his muscles and rested his aching body ahead of a day at the gym. Plus, it gave him time to think about the future. Time to think about retiring with his love.

After an uneventful trip, he paid the cab driver. But, instead of looking at the money, the cab driver looked at him. “You’re The Undertaker, aren’t you?” he said. “One of your old friends stole one of our cabs earlier and went nuts. Police are still looking for him”.

The Undertaker gave the cab driver a look of disgust. “Rikishi’s not my friend!” he said, aggressively. “Whatever he does for The Rock is none of my business these days.” He slammed the cab door and stomped away in disgust. Rikishi’s antics had haunted him ever since he moved to the area. The Rock kept sending him on missions and The Undertaker was constantly told about what was happening with the pair. The Undertaker didn’t care about Rikishi or The Rock, though. And the stories simply made him despise them even more.

The Undertaker relaxed as he entered the massage parlour. He signed in, stripped off and lay down as quickly as possible. He was swelteringly hot and wished his masseur didn’t have all the candles alight. But, it was good to take the weight off his knees. He closed his eyes and prepared to be sent into ecstasy. The lady immediately started rubbing his back with a firmness that felt beautiful. She then proceeded to lavish oil all over his body, even spilling some on the sides of his face. He then heard the door open and click shut. Suddenly, he smelt burning. It wasn’t the incense from the candles though. It was wood. He opened his eyes and realized the whole room was on fire. And there were no windows. As the flames engulfed him, with the oil acting as a catalyst in the burning of his body, the Undertaker screamed for the first time in his adult life. But, the roar of the flame was louder than the roar of The Undertaker. And, even if it hadn’t been, no one was around to rescue him.

Chapter 3.

A couple sat on the beach completely at ease. It’d been 6 months since they’d executed the perfect plan and everything since then had continued to be perfect. The two were still wanted around the world but, their “reward” had paid for some surgery that’d make them unrecognizable to anyone who’d seen their faces. Plus they’d managed to get themselves their new home in Hawaii. Even if you were a criminal, no one cared in that paradise. No one cared about anything much. It was heaven. The man looked into his wife’s eyes. He didn’t see the woman who’d killed The Undertaker. And he knew she didn’t see the man who’d killed HHH. They simply saw someone who loved them and wanted the best for them. As the lady got up and went to buy them some expensive drinks, the man reflected on what had happened 7 months ago.

When he’d been asked to do the deed, he thought it was crazy. But, his dispatcher was convinced it’d be a success. And he said his boss had lots of money to make it work. And, it was the money that had convinced his wife to get involved. She was always dreaming of this fairytale ending to life and she would do anything to get him. But, he wasn’t like that. He just wanted revenge. HHH and The Undertaker had done absolutely nothing for this man. And as he thought of all the times they’d crushed his dreams, he became obsessed with the idea of paying them back. He grew angry and suddenly, Booker T had been willing to do anything to make the plan work. He’d killed HHH physically as payback for all the times HHH had killed his career and his reputation. And his wife had killed The Undertaker for the same reason. It was deserved.

As his wife returned with the drinks, looking radiant with her new face, Booker T smiled. He realized that the murders and this new life had been their destiny. His dispatcher had just given them a little push.

Chapter 4.

In Hollywood, The Rock was busy doing an interview for his new movie when he got a phone call. He made his excuses and picked up his phone.

“Hey dude, it’s Rikishi”.

“Hey cousin, what’s up?” The Rock looked around, checking no one was about. Rikishi’s calls always required total privacy.

“It’s Booker T and Sharmell. They’ve already spent most of the money you gave them. I’ve only just managed to track them down”.

The Rock shook his head. “It’s taken you 6 months to reach them?! What the hell?!?”

Rikishi sounded worried on the phone. “They’ve changed their faces. They got some good surgery. And they moved to Hawaii. But they kept their voices and I’d recognise that bitch’s voice anywhere. No one else could’ve seen them.”

“But, they’ve spent my damn money! You should’ve finished them off as soon as they’d got rid of those two WWE fags”. The Rock thought of HHH and The Undertaker. He’d got rid of them because they wouldn’t go away. He’d switch on his T.V. and tune into WWE every week. And every week, he’d see those two has-been dominating new stars. And so, he’d taken action. The Rock had had them killed for the good of the company. The company he still loved.

“Well, I’ll get them tonight”, Rikishi replied, snapping The Rock away from his thoughts.

“Do it, Rikishi. For me.”

“I will. I’ll do it for you.” Rikishi hung up.

The Rock closed his phone and turned away. He loved his cousin. His cousin who’d do anything for him without question. And no one would ever find out why. Not even the Inside the Mind readers.




Goodnight my children.

[Roadkill]

You posted this like a second after I posted my new column. lol

I always loves me a good mystery. Even though it wasn't a mystery after you revealed who was behind the murders and such after the second chapter. But still. I enjoyed it. A lot.

I really liked the ending and how you managed to get The Rock and Rikishi in there somehow. I've heard people mention the fact that they were cousins in a column, but I don't think anyone's had a whole column dedicated to it. Great job, dude.

[MissouriDragon]

I actually wrote a long piece for somebody who doesn't post here anymore (can't remember the dude's name) in February or so wherein I kill HHH with his own sledgehammer.

This was better than that.

[stevie ray bullshit]

I love that the "never ending H hate" will never go away. I consider everyone who feel this way my brother. Good as always, Nony.

[Crown]

See, this is why certain smarks scare me, and it's the scariest part of being a John Cena fan.

['Plan]

It was alright. The layout quite reminded me of a Tarantino flick which is good...depending on which film of course. The reveal wasn't entirely hard hitting but ellicited a smile nonetheless. We've not heard from Booker in aaaaaaaages so maybe that's what that was. In honesty I'm struggling for things to say. It was...good. Solid through and through. Scene setting was good, flow was good, description was good. Not your best but certainly far from being your worse, and not the kind of thing we see you tackle in quite this way very often too so that's pretty cool. So yeah; good stuff.

Oh, but watch the grammar on the speech. Commas come before the closing speech marks, not after.

[Shane]

Hello my Pro,

Gonna be honest: the chapter headings really put me off. This isn't a novel or a novella. It probably isn't even a short story. It is more like a short-short with such a penis complex that it dresses itself up like a novel. Then, on top of that, the title is ripped from television. Gotta commit to one thing, my brother. The premise isn't believable in that HHH rarely gets death threats. You even acknowledge Vince gets many...so, I'm just not buying it from the jump. Worse still, this is the kind of column that invites comments like the one above me from Plan. He just dropped in to say he didn't know what to say. Thanks, Nony. Again with plot points, whose to say the Undertaker's ability to sit up on command doesn't extend to tiny 'Taker?

I think maybe you started this column with one word on your mind: Rikishi. Then you simply filled in the blanks around him and here we are. A lot of name dropping wrestlers and, while I dig any shots at H, it is altogether too easy.

Enjoy your vacation. Maybe it was the right time for it.

[da_shee]

So it turned out to be Rikishi? And he did it for The Rock?

Nice! Hell of a story nony, great read!

[TeamFarrell]

One of the most entertaining things I've read in a while.

Just what I like, short, fun and to the point (no homo).

I always figured he'd strike again...for The Rock.

[Super Chrisss]

Dude, you rock (no pun intended). I can't recall the last time I read a bad column from you. Your shit is hilarious, and I'm glad you're not a MPer anymore, because most of the dweebs out there wouldn't respect awesomeness like this.

I never trust black taxi drivers, especially if they don't know what a Burger King is.

[Zuma]

lol... "he did it for The Rock" -- really?


I agree with Shane. :(

[anonymous]

Feedbacking feedback's good because it encourages feedbackers to feedback more.

Roadkill- I'm sorry if I took the shine off your column. If it helps, yours was much more fun. Please don't use "lol" though. I'm not a 12 year old attractive but slightly retarded girl. I'm a big, ugly, smelly and intelligent male and lol isn't in my vocabulary. It scares me.

I know I revealed the source behind the murderers a bit early but, I take inspiration from Dan Brown who writes about 30 chapters after the story's been tied up. I can write random twists to lengthen stuff too. I'm glad you enjoyed it though.

Originally, I would've had Booker T and other guys who jobbed to HHH and 'Taker behind the crimes but, I couldn't get excited about it. They say old habits die hard and I found myself needing to get Rikishi and The Rock into the story. I'm glad I did. I think I've mentioned their family links in about 6 columns now because I love that family like I love mint choc chip icecream smeared on a girl's ass on a warm day. Wow...I just thought of your column again.

Umm thanks for the read and feed.


Missouri Dragon- Any column from you would've been a welcome bonus. Though, I guess we'll be seeing more of you soon.

This probably isn't better than what you wrote. You're just flirting with me. It's way too obvious.

stevie ray bullshit- I love getting feedback from you. It's always seems to come when I've written something a little bit fucked up. And it's always a pleasure to receive. And HHH hate will last forever. Or at least, until the world ends in 2012.

Thanks a lot, dude.

Crown- I wouldn't consider myself a smark. I enjoy TNA way too much for that. I'm more of a faggy wrestling columnist who writes random shit. But I would molest and kill Cena if I met him so you're write to be scared. I don't hate him. I just want to molest a big celebrity.

'Plan- I am actually Quentin Tarantino. That's why I'm so cautious about my anonymity. I don't want the world to know I write half-assed mediocre wrestling columns as well as making half-assed mediocre films. I deliberately used guys who were absent in one form or another. Taker and HHH are both away from WWE TV whilst, as you said, Mr T's vanished off this planet. Solidarity is success in my book. If I can experiment with different styles and produce solid, consistent stuff, I'm pretty content. Obviously, I'd rather produce earth-shatteringly awesome shit which leaves you drooling in amazement but, right now, I'm just sitting back and enjoying writing and getting used to my experiments.

I can't believe I made such a stupid grammatical error. Repeatedly. Good spot and thanks for combing through my shit (no scat). As ever, it's much appreciated.

Mr E- I know! Such an original ending to one of my columns!

Seriously though, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thanks a lot.

TeamFarrell- I'm really glad you enjoyed the column. Rikishi should definitely do one more thing for the Rock on WWE TV. Even if it's just for sentimentality reasons and I'm the only person watching who understands it. If I was dying and the "Make-a-Wish" foundation came to see me, that'd be my wish.

Thanks for stopping by.

SuperChrisssssssssssss- I like that for some reason, after 8 "s"'s have been added, Microsoft Word no longer underlines your name with a red line. Odd.

You should've definitely pretended the pun was intentional. That's awesome. And thank you. To "rock" is quite the achievement. Though I'm not sure my hilarious feces is something I should be proud of. I might need to see a doctor or something. And yes, the main page audience does suck. Hard. That's one of the reasons I hide here these days.

I haven't trusted a black taxi driver since I saw Collateral. I'm always scared they'll have witnessed some Tom Cruise related drama and be messed up in the head from it. I don't want that.

Thanks again.


Zuma- See my reply to Roadkill about the "lol" thing. And no, I don't care that much.

But yes, really. I'm sorry to disappoint you.




Thanks to everyone who read and a special thanks to everyone who fed. You're all amazing, beautiful and wonderful. Those kids who throws rocks at you are just jealous of how amazing you are.


Oh...I forgot someone. Oops. That wasn't deliberate at all.

My rookie, Shane.

Hello my Pro,

Hey yourself, kiddo. How's it going?

Gonna be honest: the chapter headings really put me off. This isn't a novel or a novella. It probably isn't even a short story. It is more like a short-short with such a penis complex that it dresses itself up like a novel.

Lol (yes, roadkill and Zuma- It is a dig at you guys), you said penis. Heh.

The chapter headings really put you off? From the guy who's the king of meaningless big, bold headings in his columns? That's like Jesus saying that the preaching bit of church really annoyed him. Seriously? And, if something short dresses itself as if it was something long, it can still be beautiful. Just ask Tom Cruise. He wears "big person" clothes when he's a midget and no one bats an eyelid. I did that only if columnistic form. And no, columnistic isn't a word. And yes, I did make it up to make your response harder.

Then, on top of that, the title is ripped from television.

It's clever. It's a nice play on the title of a famous show and it's fabulously witty. It took 15 whole seconds to come up with that and I'm hurt you didn't like it.

Gotta commit to one thing, my brother.

You're not Hulk Hogan. You're not Steve. You're my rookie. You're my bitch. Don't call me "brother". It implies familiarity, fondness or equality. There's none of that with us and don't you fucking forget it.

The premise isn't believable in that HHH rarely gets death threats. You even acknowledge Vince gets many...so, I'm just not buying it from the jump.

HHH is married. And, like all good men, he makes his wife do all the housework. This includes getting the post and opening the mail. Which means HHH never sees any of the death threats he gets sent. Steph throws them all away. I know because I used to send him 23,000 a day. Written in blood from my own wrists.

Obviously, Vince's threats get sent to WWE HQ where he has an assistant read them to him whilst they have sex. It turns him on.

Wait. What?

Worse still, this is the kind of column that invites comments like the one above me from Plan. He just dropped in to say he didn't know what to say. Thanks, Nony.

You're forgetting the fact that 'Plan, for all his many (2) positive qualities, is a pushover. I forced him to leave me feedback and he had nothing to say so, left me feedback telling me so. Normally, he'd just ignore columns he couldn't care less about and not reply to them. Like he does with yours, in fact.

Again with plot points, whose to say the Undertaker's ability to sit up on command doesn't extend to tiny 'Taker?

If my inaccuracies about the Undertaker's penis are one of your biggest concerns about this column, I honestly don't see how it's so bad. I mean, the Undertaker's dick was hardly crucial to the storyline. It just gave the character some development. The issues allowed a sense of empathy between the Undertaker and the reader and created a tragic victim . If the WWE writers made The Undertaker vulnerable like I did, maybe people would give a shit.

I think maybe you started this column with one word on your mind: Rikishi. Then you simply filled in the blanks around him and here we are.

Actually, I started this column with one word on my mind: hangover. Rikishi wasn't going to feature until I realized having Benoit's corpse possessing Booker T and killing HHH and 'Taker was too complicated. You see, originally, Booker would've bought Benoit's old house and the ghosts of the couple would've controlled him and Sharmell. In fact, now I think about it, that might've been a better column.

But no, I didn't think of Rikishi first. My brain isn't just a one-track obsession. I like boobs too.

A lot of name dropping wrestlers and, while I dig any shots at H, it is altogether too easy.

You know...it's a wrestling column. Without wrestlers, it'd kinda be pointless. Like a circle. And also, HHH shots are too easy but, I've insulted Regal, Benoit, Orton and other IWC darlings recently. I needed to win back some fans by hitting someone I'm not alone in hating.

Enjoy your vacation.

I did enjoy it. It was lovely. I made love. Then got wet. Like having an elongated sex session on a golf course and the sprinklers coming on.

Maybe it was the right time for it.

Maybe it wasn't.


Thanks for reading.

[NabidHassan]

Nothing extraordinary i guess, but very entertaining indeed. It's fun reading you sir, especially your feedbacks to the feedbackers.