'Sup everybody! After about a month's absence, you thought I was dead and buried, but here I am again. Kind of like Genital Herpes.
Many of my fans (Yes, all seven of you!) haven't really read any of my shit lately, except for that two parter I did with Sparty, but that was a collab. Although it was really effing fun to work with Spartacus, and to re-debut as "The Thunder from Down Under", this one's gonna be all Roadkill.
I know I may have missed the boat to get my two centsss (Hi, Chrisss) in on the second season of NXT, but fuck it. I'm gonna chime in on the new class of rookies, even if NXT prediction columns are irrelevant and unneeded at this point. So, without further adieu, cue the shitty theme song and let's start this thing!
"Wild and Young". That sort of describes my neighbor's super sexy teenage daughter! What?! Who said that?!
Oh yeah, the column. Here's how this bitch is gonna go down. I'm gonna evaluate each NXT season two rookie in the order of which I think they'll be eliminated. So, without further adieu, let's see who placed last.
8th Place: Titus O'Neil
Pro: Zack Ryder
Dream Pro: "Big Cat" Ernie Ladd
Porn Name: Titties O'Neil
Pro's Porn Name: Zack Rides-her
Analysis: For the most part, I don't really see a future for Titus here in the WWE. He should've stuck with his day job, as he was actually pretty well-off as a member of the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Pairing him with someone interesting and charismatic like Zack Ryder was an incredibly smart move, because there's no other way he'd get over as a heel unless he has someone with mic skills to talk for him.
But seriously, this guy needs to get off of my TV screen. NOW! Really, fuck you, Titus, you're just a skinnier Ezekiel Jackson. WWE doesn't need another monster, that's why they turned Shad heel! At this point, the only way you can redeem yourself, in my eyes, is turning face and adopting a "Mentally Challenged Black Man with Superpowers" gimmick, a'la Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile. Really, Titus--- if you come out every week crying like a baby with a mouse named "Mr. Jingles" in the palm of your hand, and start telling your pro that you're afraid of the dark, you're a SHOO-IN for NXT. This gimmick can make you a star, Tarver, err, I mean, Big Zeke, er, I mean... fuck it, you brutes are all the same. Either fail as the next Rodney Mack (member him?), or throw on some scruffy jeans and a potato sack and cry like a little bitch and become the biggest star since Steve Austin. Your choice. Next rookie...
7th Place: Eli Cottonwood
Pro: John Morrison
Dream Pro: Mike Knox
Porn Name: He's already a well-known butt-rapist, so...
Pro's Porn Name: John Whore-ison
Analysis: I swear, if Mike Knox where still around, these two would be a match made in Heaven (no homo/Skittlez). Eli is basically being billed as the next Mike Know, but he really shouldn't be compared to The Desert Destroyer. The guy isn't a monster, he's a lanky ass white guy. Shave the wild hair and the mini-beard he's go going over there, and this guy is nothing more than Bill, the guy who works over in accounting. (We ALL know a person named Bill with an office job, don't pretend you don't know what I'm getting at.) I've already come up with a new gimmick for the Michael Tarver guy, so I've got a little something for you too, Eli. Get a nice haircut, and a pretty good shave while you're at it, throw on a nice shirt and a clip-on tie, and you'll be billed as "Bill from Accounting". You could torture your opponents by reminding them that "Those finance reports need to be in by Tuesday". Your mic skills would improve ten-fold, as you would be able to have a casual conversation with the fans, asking them questions like, "How about them Yankees?" or "Wonderful weather we're having, huh?". I said this to the big black dude earlier, and I'll say it again to you: Either fail with your butt-rapist gimmick, or have a casual conversation by the water cooler and become the next Steve Austin. Your choice. Next rookie...
6th Place: That Guy with the Stevie Richards Gimmick
Pro: Mark Henry
Dream Pro: Stevie Richards
Porn Name: He's almost died, like, seven times, so I don't think he'd risk an STD.
Pro's Porn Name: Big Titties
Analysis: This guy is just a Stevie Richards rip-off with a corny t-shirt and an undeserved push. I would have placed this unoriginal cunt lower on the list, but it seems he's in a rivalry with Cody Rhodes, basically guaranteeing that he'll over-stay his welcome here on NXT. But before I go on a mini-rant about his push (Fuck mini-rants. He just doesn't deserve a push, that's all I'll say.), I have to make a serious statement. How long does it take WWE to recycle gimmicks? I could've sworn Stevie Richards had the same "It's been a long journey, and I've cheated death and had many surgeries, but I'm finally here!" gimmick during his run on WWECW. And the repetition of the word "Lucky" in his promos remind me of whenever Stevie Richards would say "I'll show you! You'll see!". Good luck I wore my work boots today, because I looks like I have another career to fix!
Okay, Lucky, here's your new gimmick. You ever see 101 Dalmatians? No? Good, go watch it. After you've seen it, come back to me and I'll have a puppy suit for you, all ready to go. Put it on, and you'll be "Lucky, the dog from 101 Dalmatians". You like it? No. Well fuck you then, cause it's your new gimmick. Now get the hell out of here before I fire you.
I said it to black Jesus and the serial killer guy, and I'm gonna say it to you, Cannon. Either fail with the Stevie Richards rip-off gimmick and go spend the rest of your life eating cat-nip in a van down by the river, or take up this Dalmatian gimmick and become the next Steve Austin. Your Choice. Next rookie...
5th Place: "Showtime" Percy Watson
Pro: MVP
Dream Pro: The Rock
Porn Name: "Hoe-time" Percy Watson
Pro's Porn Name: Mount-el Vontavious Porno (I tried, isn't that all that counts?)
Analysis: This may be the funniest gimmick in wrestling today. Better than ANY other gimmick in ANY other company! I laugh my ass off whenever I see this guy, no matter what he's doing. If it's a promo, I'm laughing. If it's a match, I'm laughing. Even if this motherfucker is just standing there like a jackass, I'm laughing. Hell, when Percy Watson's around, EVERYONE IS LAUGHING...
Which brings me to this point. This guy has everything that you need to be successful, not only in NXT, but in the WWE as a whole. He's got "The X Factor", the mic skills, and his wrestling skills, while there is room for improvement, aren't half bad. The only problem with Percy is that no one can take him seriously with his gimmick. Why would this be a factor in winning NXT? Well, it really wouldn't, if it weren't for the guaranteed championship match at a live Pay-Per-View.
Could any of you really, seriously, buy this guy as a legit contender for a major title. Sure, he's entertaining, but the PG Era's answer to The Godfather ain't no Randy Orton or John Cena, and, unfortunately, he'll probably never reach that level of success. This guy will stick around for a pretty long time, without winning a title, and constantly entertain us like Val Venis did many years ago, or as Santino does on a weekly basis in today's product. Quite honestly, I'm perfectly content with that. People like Percy Watson were meant to do that. If he really wants to be a successful title holder with many accolades, though, he would definitely have to change his gimmick. Quite honestly, Percy, that's your choice. Next rookie...
4th Place: Husky Harris
Pro: Cody Rhodes
Dream Pro: Dusty Rhodes/The Big Show (couldn't decide)
Porn Name: Hairy Harris
Pro's Porn Name: Cody Chode
Analysis: Just missing the cut for the season finale is the critically-acclaimed Third Generation superstar, Husky Harris. His real name Windham Rotunda, Husky has a lot of potential. I could definitely see Husky playing the role of "The Friendly Giant" once The Big Show eventually hangs up his Size 24EEEEE boots. He's a lacking in the mic skills department, as he comes off as an ignorant redneck who's excited to meet "Them Big City Folk", but in time, that can always change. With Cody Rhodes as his pro, and with the many other NXT pros this season having excellent mic skills, Husky will learn fast by observing. I see bright things in this kids future.
Also, I'm gonna go ahead and assume, based on his name, that Husky is the secret love-child of Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda. Don't tell me otherwise. Next rookie...
3rd Place: Kaval
Pros: Layla and Michelle McCool (Team Lay-Cool)
Dream Pro: Randy Orton (during the "Legend Killer" stage of his career)
Porn Name: Not sure, but if he wore a rubber suit, I'm pretty sure he's look like a dick inside of a condom.
Pro's Porn Name: Ebony and Ivory
Analysis: Kaval will be playing the part of "Indy Sensation repackaged on NXT who loses a whole lot", just like Daniel Bryan did last season. Except, Kaval won't choke a bitch if he gets mad, he'll just kick your fucking head clean off the bone and send it flying into the upper deck of the arena. Aside from my little joke a few sentences ago, I'm really not feeling the Daniel Bryan comparisons. He and his pros get along pretty well, it seems, and he's not being made fun of constantly by the announcers for not being the cookie-cutter image that WWE wants.
Kaval's elimination will definitely have something to do with Team Lay-Cool, whether it be mis-communication, a secret affair with Layla, or even if they just get tired of Kaval and leave him out to dry (that'd be weird as hell). Either way, this elimination won't stop him, as I see the artist formerly known as Low-Ki getting a nice mid-card push over on Smackdown after his NXT tenure is expired. Next rookie...
NXT Season 2 Runner Up: Mike McGillucud... Magilli... However the fuck it's spelled
Pro: Cup O' Kofi
Dream Pro: Curt Hennig (Mr. Perfect)
Porn Name: Michael Mcgillicunty
Pro's Porn Name: Hoe-fi Kingston
Analysis: You see that picture above Michael's name? Two hours later, Mike was created, and nine months later, he fell out of Beulah.
What the fuck do you mean he's not Tommy Dreamer's son?
The fuck is this! Why are they giving Mr. Perfect's son a name that is far from perfect? Joe Hennig exemplifies the perfect little sperm that came out of the penis of a God. And they name him Michael McGillicutty? Shit, could they have named him something even more generic? A name like David Andrews or Palmer King would've been less generic. Hell, even a corny name like Daniel Bryan would've suited this guy better!
Oh, it appears I've gone on a mini-rant. Look at that! Well, I really gotta sum this up quick, it's getting late. Basically, this guy has everything, with a very prestigious lineage to back up all of his claims. I just hope his finisher doesn't have a stupid name like "The McGillicutty-plex" or something. Next rookie...
Your NXT Season 2 Winner: Alex Riley
Pro: The Miz
Dream Pro: The Miz (They got this one 100% right)
Porn Name: Alex Ridey
Pro's Porn Name: The Jizz (DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!)
Analysis: I think it's pretty clear, even this early on, who's gonna win this season of NXT. I mean, look at him just humiliate that nerd in my picture above! How awesome is that?!
He's got everything you could want from a heel, and a great teacher in The Miz. I have no real complaints or comments here, other than "This guy is amazing!". Oh, actually, on a side note, I'll suck someone's dick if he quotes Back to the Future. I can see it now...
Lucky Cannon and Alex Riley are cutting promos on each other in the center of the ring...
Riley: "Nobody wants you here, MCFLY! Why don't you just make like a tree and beat it!"
Lucky: "Who the fuck is McFly? Listen, Riley, you're all talk and no game, you dimwitted jock. Your mouth better not write a check that your butt can't cash! I'll see you next week!"
Riley: "Next week, McFly? MCFLY?! Why won't you fight me now, MCFLY?!?!?!? Are you CHICKEN? CHICKEN, MCFLY?!?!?! BAWK-BAWK!"
That would be awesome.
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Well, now that you've heard what I've had to say about NXT, what do YOU, my readers think? Agree? Disagree? Leave your opinions in the feedback section, as well as some thoughts on my column and some constructive criticism.
This is Roadkill, signing off. See you 'round, bitches!
Originally Posted by ChrisBear
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