Inside the Mind 31: A Hard Column.

[anonymous]

Hello and welcome to another edition of Inside the Mind. My name is anonymous and I’d tell you a bit more about myself but that would make my name meaningless. Following a few serious columns, it’s high time to return back into my comfort zone for a while. Mainly because I’ve had an idea which will forever wow the columns forum. A column so sensational, that the whole forum will be left staggered by its quality. A column so magnificent, that if Jesus wrote columns, it’d look like this. I’m just kidding; it’s just another column about dicks.

R.V.D the Champion on T.N.A! And he sucks A.S.S. As does TNA right now. In fact, that’s going to be the last mention of TNA we’ll have for the rest of the column. I’m really fucking fed up with them. So fuck TNA. Fuck RVD. And fuck fucking Hogan. Fuck.

Fatal-4-Way this Sunday! In the latest sex fad, big groups of people are engaging in mass suicide whilst taking part in orgies. Apparently, choking yourself to death whilst wearing a batman outfit gives you an amazing orgasm and people have started testing this rumour out. On Sunday, I’ll be having a foursome with 3 friends where we’re all going to masturbate in our batman costumes whilst choking ourselves to death. We’re doing it together to ensure the ritual’s performed perfectly. Our Fatal-4-Way masturbation session will be epic. I recommend you get some buddies and try it out yourselves.



Daniel Bryan gets released! Following his vicious attempt to murder an important member of the WWE Staff, Daniel Bryan was arrested. Police interrogated Bryan late into the night and were ready to lock him up for the rest of his life (as he’s a wrestler, the rest of his life is about 3 years). But, the WWE intervened, claiming that they’d taken action and didn’t want to press charges against Bryan. So, Daniel Bryan got away with attempted murder and was released from prison without punishment. Lucky bastard.

Mark Henry the latest big star to be a mentor on NxT! Mark Henry’s definitely the biggest star to appear on NxT. I mean, he makes Husky Harris look like Evan Bourne. The fact he’s still capable of walking whilst carrying all that weight is amazing. I just feel sorry for the guy who has to clean his bathroom every night. I’m sorry. I won’t put that image in your heads again.

BP Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico! It was Rikishi! He did it for the Rock! Why did the Rock want to cause devastation in the Gulf of Mexico?! Does he have something against BP?! How did Rikishi cause the spillage to happen?! How did the Rock convince Rikishi to commit this heinous crime? Tune into Raw this Monday night to find out!

The other day, I was casually searching for some WWE porn on Google and I found this:




I masturbated and then continued looking. When I discovered this very interesting question; http://answers.yahoo.com/question/in...9104336AAf3LYx . Obviously, it’s already been answered superbly by the supremely intelligent people we find in the WWE Universe but, I thought it was such a big issue, that it would be worth devoting a column to. I’m sure you’ll all agree. So here’s Nony’s guide to hiding your erection whilst wrestling:

So, you’re in the middle of an important match, You and your opponent are putting on a five star classic and the crowd are hotter than the sun’s core. When suddenly, you think of Rikishi’s ass. You try and shake it off but, you can’t get rid of the image of Rikishi’s beautiful, round, smooth derriere. Then, you realize there’s something happening in your trunks. At the thought of Rikishi, your little soldier’s gone into overdrive. What the hell do you do?! You’re performing in front of thousands of people in attendance and million who’re watching at home! As far as I can tell, you have several options...


Option 1: The Painful Option.
Recommended by: Edge, HHH, Gangrel.

Option 1 is simple. You get your opponent to hit a devastating move on you and then you like flat on your stomach until the erection has passed. But, if your penis is longer than a few inches (if it’s not, I’d recommend surgery), this option will likely cause you considerable pain as you land penis first onto the mat with your unbendable boner. The audience will never know you had an erection. But, is it really worth the pain? Also, it’d slow the pace down in the 5 star classic you were participating in. It may seem like the easiest thing to do at the time but, option 1 can have severe consequences for your penis and for the match quality.


Option 2: The Gay Option.
Recommended by: Pat Patterson, Randy Orton, Chris B****t.

Option 2 is more complex. Simply conceal your boner by locking in a submission on your opponent that leaves your erect penis covered by your opponent’s body. Obviously, they’ll be thrilled to have your penis being pushed against them and it’ll allow the crowd to continue to be engaged in what’s going on. However, whilst it sounds perfect, some wrestlers may be unconvinced by your using of this tactics and could get a bit miffed. Rumours say Blue Meanie used it on JBL one night and for some reason, JBL didn’t understand. Plus, it can be risky in the event that the spot is botched by either man. So it’s best to use against seasoned veterans who have mastered the art of concealing the erection.


If you imagine Benoit has an erection, there’s a lot wrong with that image.

Option 3: The Extreme Option.
Recommended by Dolph Ziggler, Big Daddy V, ‘Plan.

Option 3 is for people who get erections every time they wrestle. Maybe they just can’t get Rikishi’s ass out of their head. Maybe they’re just in the closet and really, really enjoying this interaction with these scantily clad men. Either way, if the erections are becoming a serious issue, it may be wise to consider a Penectomy. Removal of the penis will ensure that a boner will never hamper your wrestling matches again and you’ll be able to wrestle 5 star classics every night without being worried about pitching a tent. This method may be used by the most serious wrestlers who will do anything to make it to the top and will let nothing get in their way. They’d be willing to sacrifice their sex life, their normality and their masturbatory rights just for the business. Some would call that admirable. I’d call it fucking stupid.




Option 4: The Fun Option.
Recommended by Jeff Hardy, Batista, anonymous.

Option 4 can have some serious health consequences but, will pretty much ensure you’ll never get an erection whilst in a WWE ring. The day before a big match, simply take a shit load of Viagra, pop a load of pills, drink your body weight in alcohol and have sex with as many people as possible. The next day you’ll feel like shit but, the last thing your penis will be capable of is achieving a boner. It’s a proven success and minus the health issues from the party lifestyle, and the huge hangover you’ll have throughout your matches, it’s probably the most appealing. Sadly, the fact you will be ridiculously hungover could hamper the quality of your match. If you’re not sure where the fuck you are, the match probably won’t go well. And you'll probably be stuck in a feud with CM Punk.



Those must've been some good drugs.


Option 5: The Proud Option.
Recommended by Mark Henry, JTG, Any other black wrestlers, John Cena.

So, you’ve got an erection in the middle of the match. But, what if you’ve been gifted with a huge penis? What if you were born with a little soldier who’s not so little? If you were, you may want to display it to the world. Fuck concealing your boner. If you get a mid-match erection, you need to display that log. Make the world know just how big it is. Get the women horny and the men admiring you. And why not? The rest of the company would do the same if their penises were as big as yours. Sure it isn’t fitting with the PG audience but, who cares? Vince’ll never fire someone with such a huge penis anyway. He may even push you on the basis that “he likes what he saw”. For those who’re gifted, option 5 is probably the best option possible.




I think that’s a good way to end. I hope you enjoyed my guide to hiding an erection whilst in a wrestling match and you’ll use it if you ever find yourself in that embarrassing situation. Before we go, there’s just time for everyone’s favourite closing section...

The One Who’s Paid to Stay at Home.

This Wrestlemon had a pretty good deal. Instead of having to battle each weeks, they’d be allowed to stay at home and do the housework. This was partly because they were about as interesting as a carrot. No one really cared about this Wrestlemon and as we saw it less and less, we slowly forgot it existed. Now, most people have no idea who they were.


Goodnight my children.

[priest63]

Ha, I have thought of this exact subject many times whilst watching wrestling (this makes me sound homosexual). I can actually share a moving story with you regarding this topic. I'm 13 sat in an English class. My teacher (ironically named Mr Johnson) is reading Othello to the class. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I feel an erection coming. I try to fight it, but it's no good, and it becomes a full on boner. It's ok I tell myself, the class doesn't end for a while yet, and I can simply wait for the little fella to come and go with everyone none the wiser. My teacher, obviously aware my mind has drifted elsewhere, decides to make an example of me. 'Daniel, come here now'. SHIT. What do I do? There's no way I can get up. My hands are on my copy of Othello, I can't say 'hang on a sec' before putting my hands under the desk and proclaiming 'right, I'm ready now'. 'No'. 'NO? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? GET UP HERE NOW!' 'Sir i can't'. 'YOU HAVE LEGS DON'T YOU'. If only he knew how many legs I was carrying at the minute. Needless to say, he eventually went to get a deputy head. By the time he got there, my erection had passed and I spent the rest of the day in isolation. Anyway, great column mate.

[ChrisBear]

I used to get erections on the bus all the time, then I grew up and got a car. At first I thought, here we go, cock jokes and boobs again...same old same old. But your the best at them and I cant help but smile when I read.

[Roadkill]

I got a huge erection while hanging out with this girl one time. I was trying to get it down all night, while hiding it from her. Suspicions grew, and eventually, she asked me what I was doing. I told her I was "Trying to get the animal back in it's cage."

As for the column, there's one more tactic for hiding a boner, where you flip it up into your waistband. You feel loaded in your bellybutton, and nobody's gonna notice that "King Kong" escaped from its shackles, if you will.

['Plan]

Hey 'nonymod. Sorry I didn't get back to you on AIM; by the time I'd come back you'd vanished on me!

But to the column. I dunno what to say. Your last few serious ones were another level of awesome from you and I get that you wanna still do what you're comfortable with but it just felt really anticlimactic. Like you'd raised the bar for yourself but couldn't be arsed to follow up on it. That said, as Chrisbear mentioned above, you're the best at what you do and so apart from that anticlimactic feeling there's not much to complain apart. Well, bar the fact you inferred I have no penis!!! But seriously, one thing I do want to highlight is the wit you have in your writing. Your current events section is still the best around and you've a knack for...well it's hard to explain. It's not quite word play but twisting things to suit, like Bryan in jail for the rest of his life...which is only 3 years because he's a wrestler for example. That made me genuinely chuckle. It's that wit which makes me say you're better than you say you are. (Still not convinced you aren't...)

It was good stuff but, coming off the tail end of some awesome stuff sadly it left me feeling a little unfulfilled. And I've just realised given the topic of the column that was an extremely poor choice of expression.

[Super Chrisss]

There's only one minor detail you didn't touch on. What does Beth Phoenix do when she gets an erection?

[THE MONKEY]

Johnny would have been proud, the amount of boners popped and joints smoked was through the roof. The Benoit image gave me a good laugh and then ultimately made me think about the Undertaker tombstoning somebody while sporting a boner. Maybe that's why he's been left in a vegetative state now.

[Savior4Hire]

I actually read this at work originally and had customers looking at me like I was insane while I laughed out loud at a couple parts. All of your examples were great including the asterisks for Benoit. My question is during your research, did you some up with a list of usual suspects for boners, excluding the obvious ones like Kanyon, Pat, and OJ?

Great choice for wrestlemon.

[anonymous]

Feedbacking feedback is good. I must remember to do it...

priest63-Thanks for the kind words with regards to the column. And the lovely story. It reminded me of the "erection day" episode of south park for some reason. Weird, huh.


ChrisBear- I love getting an erection while driving. It's always when you least expect it. Though, pulling onto the hard shoulder to jack off is perfectly acceptable, in my opinion. I'm shocked you can drive though. I wasn't aware bears were allowed to drive in the UK. Australia maybe....

Thanks for the feed. I'm not sure about me being the "best". Maybe 129th best.


Roadkill- Which is why you should only hang around with women interested in sleeping with you. You should've got it out, held a gun to her head and said "SUCK IT BITCH". Wow...I became Uncle Joe for a minute.

I saw your tactics for hiding a boner on Superbad. I think it's brilliant. Particularly when your penis is smaller than 4 inches. Otherwise, it can look weird.

Plan- I can't remember our aim chat so I can't've been too pissed off.

If I wrote nothing but serious columns, I'd lose half of my loyal followers who don't watch wrestling and would much rather read about tits and ass. Occasionally, it's nice to write something that's a bit easier and more enjoyable for myself. I could drink and look at porn writing this. I couldn't with some others. I'm sorry it felt anti-climatic to you. I'm just a weak little Welsh boy who fell back into his old ways.

Though I'm glad the idea of a wrestler dying young made you chuckle. It's a pleasure to make you laugh. You heartless bastard.

Thanks for the ever honest and critical feedback. It's much appreciated.

SuperChrisss- Michelle found out the other night and Beth's not been on T.V. since.

THE MONKEY- Is it weird that I always think your name should be shouted, being in capitals and all? I don't shout "THE MONKEY" every time I write it but, I do in my head. Weird, huh?

Didn't Undertaker once try and tombstone Mark Henry? Imagine what could've happened then...ugh.

Thanks for the kind words. I hope Johnny would've liked it.

Savior4Hire- It may be best to avoid any comedic columns of mine at work. Not because they're that funny- for the sheer grotesqueness of its content. My research was long and extensive. I pretty much googled "wwe boners" and was horrified by what I saw, so quit and made it up. There's a lot of gay wrestling fans out there. Anyone would think it appealed to homos or something...

Anyway, thanks for the read, the feed and the good deed (?). And to anyone else who made it this far. You're all amazing.