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We can't always get everything we hope for...I hope I didn't make any physicist cry tears of frustration from that rather shoddy attempt at explaining something.
MMCI
I have this really awesome pair of sunglasses, wait, sunglasses? Why did I just write that... odd. I meant headphones, I have this really mega kick ass sweet tits incredibly mind numbingly awesome pair of headphones. I got them for long flights over the Atlantic. Because, you see, what makes these amazing headphones so amazing is that along with wrapping your ears up like two newborn kittens they have this funky noise canceling feature. I flick a little switch and POWEY! white noise is pumped in that I guess matches the frequency of the ambient noise of whatever room/airplane hull you are in.
Hang on, I shouldn't do that. One moment.
Ok, so according to the wonderful website “howstuffworks.com” Active noise canceling headphones work by mimicking (via a microphone and speaker) the ambient noise and producing their own counter sound wave. The wave is of an identical amplitude (measure of change of the oscillating variable within an oscillating [repetitive action] system, in this case it would be the change in atmospheric pressure as caused by a sound wave) and frequency (um, time it takes something to happen in a repeating system) but 'flipped around' so that when they meet an event by the name of “Destructive Interference” takes place and they basically cancel each other out. There's a handy diagram on the website for anyone who wants to see this represented visually, and I hope I didn't make any physicist cry tears of frustration from that rather shoddy attempt at explaining something.
Credit to howstuffworks.com and Wikipedia.
Long and short of it is that as I lay in my still naked bed (naked in the sense that I haven't yet been bothered to cover it with a sheet) I wear these wonderful headphones in an effort to fully immerse myself in the task ahead. That task being the possibly unenviable job of writing something about that thing that happened a few days ago. It's been a while since I've written anything about anything to do with anything about this thing. Let's hope it works out.
Uh, honestly I feel kind of dirty watching this opening. Like the high school graduate who dumps his nerdy Asian girlfriend in preparation for college only to come grovelling back to her a year and half later. Will she take me back? Is there someone new in her life, is she still the same girl I fell for in the first place? Or is she now taking six black dicks a night with her redheaded bi-sexual roommate?
Ok, that little Nexus thing was mad gay and seemingly pretty out of step with the “Bash at the Beach” mood of Summerslam. Ha! It was held at the Staples centre and I wasn't even aware, awesome.
I think I said something about tearing Vicki Guerrero up a few weeks ago, I totally take that back. She looks like a chubby prepubescent Latin chick mixed with a thirty two year old hipster. “She [Vicki] looks like Joan Jett stung by bees... she's hot!” Uh? Ok son, if you say so . Along with witty banter like this (actually, it's not all bad, Lawler had a great line with, “if I pulled up to a restaurant in LA and Vicki came out to park my car, I'd eat somewhere else”) the match itself hasn't been bad, though I preferred the earlier minutes of tactics and “feeling each other out” as opposed to the standard last-seven-minutes-of-a-WWE-PPV-championship-bout that are currently taking place. And now it's all gone to hell as a gaggle of identically dressed men, none of whom I recognize, just stormed the ring to gang bang Kofi Kingston. One of the commentators said it best, “what does this achieve?” I ignored more or less the entirety of that promo, and I doubt my enjoyment of this show will in any be effected by that.
A short backstage scene involving The Miz, Chris Jericho, and Edge follows. Jericho is trying to convince a none-too-bothered Miz to join them in tonight's main event, though I don't see what help one of those poofs from the Jersey Shore would be in a fight. The Miz, holding a delightfully garish MITB briefcase, turns them down citing more important issues of his own. And then for no apparent reason the camera pans back to reveal Edge chomping down on a slim Jim.
I have a long standing policy of not bothering to write up the Women's matches. It's not that I have anything against battles of the fairer sex, I just kind of don't like the way WWE books their matches. They have an annoying tendency to sometimes veer into “Hostel” like chicks-in-pain territory. And then, of course, the inevitable stereotypical bitch heel comes along to set up the one and only storyline the Diva's of World Wrestling Entertainment ever need; chicks being jealous and pulling each others hair. By the way, that is exactly what has happened tonight. PG rated clones of TNA's the Beautiful People interrupted Melina's victory interview to do exactly the same thing Velvet Sky and Angelina Love have been doing in Florida for the better part of two years. So all of that more or less re-affirms that I have no need to care about WWE Women's matches.
Celebrities!?!? where? It's LA, I wonder if Leo is there!
…
Who the fuck is Trace Adkins? Get back to fighting bits already.
Hey! I just realised JR isn't here. What happened to the barbeque swilling fat ass? A medium length video re-cap fills me on the important details of the upcoming match, a three on one handicap match between CM Punk's heel stable “Straight Edge Society” and The Big Show. I'm on record as saying there is no way in hell that TBS should even come close to sniffing victory in this match, much as Vince would love it to be true Big Show is not, and never will be, Andre the Giant. And Andre the Giant is pretty much the only guy in wrestling history who could conceivably be booked to win a handicap match such as this. So why then are they making such a big deal of his broken hand? Acting as if it's the only reason that THREE people could possibly beat the Big Show. It makes no sense. And, oh no! The cast has come off? What ever will Cock Machinations Punk and Co do now? How can three men possibly stand a chance against one fat one? So far The Big Show has dominated this match, which I can only hope means they're just trying to make him look strong before the inevitable loss. Because he does have to lose, I really can't stress that enough... oh good god no. What the fuck man? What the fuck was that shit? Having him win was one thing, having him win by pinning Punk's two lackeys at the same time was just fucking ridiculous. The heel is not supposed to be chasing the face, especially not when said heel has a stable to do his dirty work for him, but having Show dominate like that makes Punk look like a bitch. The angle is supposed to go, “Face: you can't beat me one on one scaredy cat! Heel: fuck you bitch, I'll call my boys off and we'll see who's the bigger man” not “Face: look, I just kicked all your asses, Heel: I demand a re-match! Face: why? I just kicked all your asses, what do I have to prove?” If Punk couldn't win with two guys backing him up then what point would there be in him going one on one with the Show? Terrible booking from WWE, just absolutely fucking atrocious; fuck, frankly it was insulting. They try to add a storyline loop hole by having Punk not be in the ring when Show wins, so fucking what? The logic there is so... so fucking non-existent that it hurts my face.
Ugh, moving swiftly on we have... a terrible Slim Jim commercial. And then... Kane holding an intimate conversation with a casket? Oh, ok, it's a reference to his match. Now who's this Irish faggot? He's asking Kane for his casket, odd request, but Kane turns the shamrock shithead down. Seriously, he's terrible. I've never seen this fuck before and I dislike him already. And now he went and got himself punked out by Kane; This is the WWE Champion? Perhaps not for long as here comes that Jersey Shore looking wanker, let's see what he has to say.
Blah blah blah, boo hoo, blah blah. Something about “Team WWE”, this matters very little to me. A small number of rabble rousers are chanting “what?” but for no apparent reason. Miz is now running some people down, this was a pretty cool line, “John Cena said I am the only superstar who could see him”. I chuckled. He keeps saying “I am the future, I am the future” and if that's the case I'm fucking off again. Biggest boo of the night was for a basketball reference. Says it all really. Some kid is screaming “YES” near the mic, funny shit. He sounds really into it. “If any of you have anything to say to me you RAISE YOUR HAND!” awesome line. Not a bad promo by the end of it but it's all over now; Miz has joined, whoopee doo, now back to the fighting.
After the video re-cap of course. That I really can't be bothered to watch. SKIP!
So, Sheamus is the new HHH? Just for the hell of it I'm saying he doesn't lose the belt until Hunter returns. “Biggest Irish born star in all of pop culture”? Well, Bono's a dickhead so I guess I'm for that. I really don't understand how this pale ass little dude is currently at the tippy toppy of WWE. OK, my writing's getting kind of choppy again and it's been a while since I really watched a wrestling match, so I hope you won't mind if I drop the real-time writing gimmick for ten minutes or so. See y'all in a few.
Sorry, I just heard someone say “let's turn this thing into a bloodbath”. Who the fuck said that?
Well it's been a while and this match hasn't really grabbed my attention. Not bad, but far from great. After a short opening exchange and a two minute brawl around the outside, the Champ took over for a long, slow sequence. A flurry of side to side moves livened things up for a spell but the bout seemed to nearly blow it's wad a little early with a very near, near, fall that would have seen the belt change hands. Randy spaz's out for a little bit to get the crowd going again, but a botched counter leads to a rather uninspiring near fall and the match lulls again into a fairly spastic set of finishers and two counts. I feel like the plot has been lost at this point, the crowd remains admirably into the action but the bout seems to have lost all direction. Out of nowhere we have a very Floridian ref bump and a thoroughly disappointing disqualification finish to this Championship match. Kind of a bummer really. Randy beats Sheamus down for a little bit, the crowd doesn't seem to care too much and after it becomes obvious that The Miz will not be cashing in tonight the whole arena goes dead, utterly unmoved by a creepy looking Randy Orton and his losers tantrum. Whatever man, whatever.
John Cena's really taking this acting business seriously, and with a film coming out in prime September territory all I can say is good for him. I saw his grinning mug on TMZ a Sunday or two ago and the guy seems irrepressibly likeable. Apparently he's also big friends with Randy Orton, another nice guy if some stories are too be believed. For whatever reason this all makes me smile.
Alright, casket match for the World Heavyweight Championship; it feels like a mid 90's “In your House” PPV all over again. Casket/stretcher matches remain one of the most unappreciated and underutilized of gimmick matches. Everyone enjoys watching midgets on coke play hot potato on ladders but the beauty of the “simpler” casket match is that just about anyone can be in one. Ultimately it's fairly standard brawl with a gimmick finish, there's no need to pull elaborate stunts off the top of twenty foot ladders, and no surplus of creative weaponry to detract from the theme of the bout. It's two men, one casket, and one emphatic victory. An old school gimmick and a very old school match. Kane has largely dominated, focusing most of his attention on Mysterio's back which is an excellent strategy since winning a casket match tends to revolve around ones ability to keep their opponent lying flat. To counter this Rey is going for the knockout blow, a pretty standard story for any “Rey Mysterio vs. someone much bigger than him” match that, for whatever reason, has reminded me of the midget Mexicans famous bout with Super Crazy. The casket has now be opened up and quite inexplicably Mysterio has taken brief control of the mat... oh, never mind. Kane won. Out of nowhere... Seriously, the crowd was popping when Rey kicked his way out of the casket and positively on fire after he finally hit the 619, but one brief boot to the head later and the match is over just like that? Man, what a jip. I'm glad I didn't pay for this shit. Tonight has been nothing but a series of disappointments for the crowd, something big had to happen and when Kane lifted the casket lid to reveal the Undertaker we finally got something at least approaching a “Summerslam Moment”. Still, I would have much rather someone had won something.
So this is all rather pointless, 'Taker's in the corner giving Rey a telling off but we can't hear a damn thing Rey's saying. Why must the bookers telegraph their shit so easily? Anyone could see The Undertaker attacking Kane from a country fucking mile away, it would have been a better visual to have had him just leap out of the coffin straight at his brother. Kane applying the Tombstone was pretty cool though and I guess it also more or less confirms that Mark Calloway will be retiring at the next Wrestlemania after losing to his brother.
Another video, this one with George Lopez. No fucking way I'm watching this shit.
I still don't really understand this Nexus shit. Let's watch the video and see if I can figure it out.
Nope, still don't have a clue. Though I do have one query, are Nexus the face team to the IWC?
Hey look! It's a black John Cena! Flash fact, for a very short while a picture of Darren Young was circulated around the internet in an attempt to convince people that WWE had started a black face gimmick.
John Morrison is totally Marty Jannety. Bret Hart is a dickhead for not wearing his pink tights. Sweet rub for The American Dragon, I hope he does something awesome. Fuck that, I hope everyone else but Bryan Danielson and whoever is the best of the Nexus wrestlers fucks off backstage so that we can have a truly main event caliber match.
FUCK YEAH and now I finally give a shit about this match after Danielson just made someone tap out. That's what I like to seeing, WWE pushing (even if only a little) one of the finest wrestlers on the planet.
You know, I hate to say it, especially given the way I hated on this match beforehand, but so far this has been far the most entertaining bit of the night. The crowds into, the wrestlers are really going for it, and the tornado tag format means we aren't having any lulls in the action. I can accept that this will eventually devolve into a shitty brawl, but the longer this match goes on like this then the less pissed I'll be when it inevitably falls apart. Summerslam may just be saved yet. And if this keeps going all the way to the end... damn it Vince, I'll watch your next PPV if you give me that small joy.
We are over two hours in at this point (close to three if you include all the pre-show stuff) and you know who has been the star of the show so far? The crowd by far. They're a little tired, but are still very much bringing the noise for this, so far, surprisingly good main event.
You can't hate timing issues, but it was a shame that Ron Killings was sacrificed so easily and so readily.
Well the actions slowed down a little but nothing too bad; right now on the far left corner of the ring apron Bryan Danielson (who, unless you haven't realised, is something of a favourite of mine) is standing alongside Chris Jericho, Edge, and John Cena. Sweet. Bret Hart just got disqualified, Edge slapped his face own face before spearing some nameless bastard out of the match and so far this has been a pretty damn good main event. Ginger Nexus kid just got a good showing and now Wade Barrett (the one dude whose name I do remember as they say it every five fucking seconds) is having a pretty entertaining mini match with Edge. Nice Moonsault from a former WCW Crusierweight Champion. Y2K was having a wonderful showing until that ginger kid took him out. Segway to an argument between Cena and Edge that allows fire crotch to steal another pin. Jericho and Edge give the Doctor of Thuganomics a piece of their mind and it's starting to look like all my dreams may come true with The American Dragon Bryan Danielson facing off against a trio of faceless body bags. I can not fucking wait till Cena lands the hot tag.
YES big boot, German suplex, dropkick, kicks in the corner, suicide dive, top rope missile dropkick, CROSSFACE BITCH!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCK YOU BASTARD CUNT FUCKER WANKER SHIT SON OF A WHORE DICK SHIT PANT WETTING BED SHITTING PANTIE WEARING MOTHERFUCKER MIZ. I WILL FUCK YOU. I WILL FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOTHER AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME, STALK YOUR CRACKER ASS, KILL YOU FUCKER!!! JAM YOUR LIFELESS CORPSE DEEP INTO YOUR WHORE OF A BITCH MOTHERS GAPING CUNT SO THAT WHEN I FUCK YOU I FUCK HER. I WILL BRING YOU BACK TO LIFE WITH VOODOO POWERS AND JAM A BROOM STICK UP YOUR ASS AND THROUGH YOUR EYES AND PLANT YOU IN MY MOTHERFUCKING VEGETABLE GARDEN! I WILL GROW, BIRTH COUNTLESS SPAWN JUST TO KILL THEM ALL IN NEW AND WONDERFUL WAYS. ONE I WILL BURN, ONE I WILL FREEZE, ONE I WILL STAB, ONE I WILL SHOOT, ONE I WILL EVICSERATE, ONE I WILL EXPUNGE FROM REALITY, ANOTHER oh, the match is over. John Cena won SOMEHOW. Sweet, I called that shit.
Summerslam, in summation? Miz makes me sad :(
We can't always get everything we hope for...I hope I didn't make any physicist cry tears of frustration from that rather shoddy attempt at explaining something.
MMCI
^ well that was a pointlessly mean way of saying no.
Honestly wasn't meant to be mean, just as a joke, being the resident CF Physicist. I didn't actually cry tears of anything. Sorry if I offended.
MMCI
You didn't offend oh endless one. I just found it an obtuse way of saying no.
As soon as I read the line about possibly disappointing a physicist, I was hoping for M-Classic to chime in. I was not disappointed. Look at Cicero, calling M-Classic obtuse. It's almost like he just watched Shawshank, and now wants us to believe he always knew that word...
Just kidding, Jimmy C. This was a funny take on the review format, albeit with the occasional typo here and there. I got a kick out of Emo Hitler. I imagine that's what he'd have looked like, had he been raped in his teens.
volume six: At a CrossRhodes
available now
Well I could tell you how much I loved this (dare say your best in a little while), I'd rather avoid the redundancy and give you something you can use.
So what do anal sex and spinach have in common? When forced on you at a young age you tend to not like it as an adult.
LMAO @ the Miz rant. But sir, couldn't you avoid pink??
Writers i follow on LopCF:
Shane, Dr. CMV1, Chrisbear.
So basically, you reviewing all of Summerslam was just a lead in to a foul mouthed rant on the Miz?
What can I say? The foul mothed rant was so good that it actually worked. It shouldn't have but it did. Love it!
Vol 15 - SummerSlam 2010
Out Now >>>HERE<<<
current big thing. i don't know who you are.
mnkey. it seems like everything i write is deemed my "best thing in a while", maybe, dare i say it, i am improving?
nabid- what's wrong with pink? it shows up nicely on the black background.
mazza. no it was a review, miz just came to dominate is all and it made me really sad when he attacked the american dragon.
I don't know who you are either. It wasn't until I read Monk's bit that I had any idea of the length of time you've been in here. I've only been here in the CF for a bit over a month, but I've been a MP reader for, I guess, about the last twelve years. I just never made my way into LoP Forums. Whatever reputation you have earned in here is news to me, but that's just because I've only just arrived.
Basically, between your post count and your avatar saying "Junior Member" I got the impression you were newish. I guess you're not. No need to get all worked up...
volume six: At a CrossRhodes
available now
Cici,
You always seem to blend a mixture of pure shame for being a wrestling fan with the joy that the product sometimes brings you. To answer your question, Nexus was more than the face team for the IWC, they were the great hope that was going to be their salvation. And then Cena beat them, and their world came crashing down. Me, I thought he whole event was sweet tits, but wife of BK had bought a lot of pizza and beer for me and my buddies for the night so I may be biased. Emo-Hilter almost makes me feel bad for him, and then I remember the whole "He's still Hitler" thing and I get over it.
Nice job, and a textbook example on how to write a fully developed column with a complete conversational narrative voice. Too many people try that style and fail. Glad to see you provide the example.
~BK
cbt. learn to read jokes. jokey jokes joke jokes. and seriously, dont reply to this because i honestly don't care.
bk. ta. you see i had been under the impression (one given to me in my chats with other columnists) that cena was turning heel and that it had something to do nexus, and so that was all kind of exciting.i agree though, all in all it wasn't a bad show. good enough at the very least to convince me to watch/write about wwe's next ppv (though im still avoiding the tv).
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