The Current Big Column: Surprises

[Current Big Thing]

Hey, Internet. Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm a little late. But even late, I'm still the Current Big Thing, and this is still the Current Big Column.






So I know I'm a little bit behind everybody in my praise of this man, but his recent actions have made him kind of a hero of mine. No, it isn't Daniel Bryan.



What Mr. Weiner is worked up about here is the fact that a bill guaranteeing medical coverage for anyone who aided in the rescue efforts after the September 11th, 2001 attack on New York City was, at the time, actually being filibustered by the Republicans. The bill wound up not passing, because the Democrats agreed to that particular bill needing a two-thirds majority to pass, which it obviously failed to garner. They apparently agreed to this stipulation to make some other bill easier to get passed. Internet, if half of the rest of Congress had half of Rep. Anthony Weiner's passion, our government might actually achieve something. It's not often that we see such a stirring promo in the real world.







Internet, the last several weeks have brought us a handful of significant returns. On TV, we obviously saw the returns of Daniel Bryan and the Undertaker. Right here in LOP Land, we were treated to the return of the iconic Enter the Dream Realm, penned by one Monseigneur Morpheus Classic, the First. All of the above returns were welcome, and all of them left me with a similar feeling of shock and awe after the moments of their occurrence. Well, maybe not so much with the Undertaker. Especially after that one camera angle actually showed the edges of the trap door.

It was through my reflection on those surprises that I got to thinking about the only thing I like more than surprise returns, and the only thing I miss more than great stables: Surprise debuts of established stars from elsewhere.

Whether it was Rick Rude's showing up on a live edition of Monday Nitro after having appeared on a taped episode of Monday Night Raw earlier that same evening, Chris Jericho's finally being revealed as the Millennium man on Raw, or Brian Fuckin' Pillman's magically appearing in the ECW Arena after a brief power outage, I have always loved these kinds of surprises.

This, Internet, is also why it will be a while before I give TNA another shot.

They lied to me.

They built it up for something like two weeks, which is something of a big deal for TNA. They even went so far as to literally advertise that Jeff Hardy would have his “open challenge” answered by a “recently released former WWE star.” They used that exact phrase. Hence the quotation marks. They promised me one of my favorite things: the surprise debut of an established star from elsewhere. Their follow-through?

Shannon Fuckin' Moore.

At first I was upset. Then I thought to myself, “Well, he hasn't been back for all that long, and the last company on whose TV he performed was WWE. Maybe I'm jumping the gun here a little bit.” So I did some math. And then I became upset again.

You see, Internet, it doesn't take Will Hunting to work out that Shannon Moore has actually been back in TNA since that January fourth show, or shortly thereafter. So eight months there. Add in the three month no-compete clause which we all assume to be standard at this point. That gives us a total of eleven months since Shannon Moore's WWE release, and that's not even taking into account the last three months of Moore's WWE contract, during which time he was almost never, ifat all, on TV.

At the very best, TNA has a very relaxed definition of “recent”.

They also appear to be soft on the definition of “star”.

How can Shannon Moore possibly meet anyone's “star” criteria? Paul Heyman couldn't even get Shannon Moore over. And Paul E. got Aldo Montoya over in a big bad way. People just don't care about the guy, and that's a pretty tough affliction to cure. Other shortcomings are much easier to overcome. One can improve one's in-ring abilities. One can maybe even learn to be more confident when addressing an audience. One has a much more difficult time attempting to learn how to make the audience as a whole give a shit about whether or not one works there. I'd even go as far as to suggest that such an ability is either inherent or it's absent; that it's not something which can be adequately taught or learned.

TNA promised all of us a recently released WWE star. They gave us a former WWE curtain-jerker who's already been under their, TNA's, employ for upward of eight months. Internet, I realize it's a rare thing when a wrestling promotion truly follows through on a promise. Even so, when they almost inevitably break their word, most promotions don't completely violate the terms of the agreement. Even the old mantra from the New Generation, “Anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation,” was honored from time to time. TNA balked on both points of their two-pronged promise, and that upset me a great deal. They had a lot of us buzzing about it. I, for one, even stayed away from the spoilers so as to be properly surprised. We were wondering who it might be. We were throwing around some very plausible names. Names like Carlito, Hurricane, and Paul Burchill. Any one of those performers would have met the advertised criteria, but they, TNA, dropped the ball like Adrian Peterson in last season's NFC Championship game. And, to paraphrase my “this just in” subject, it's a shame. A shame because, for the foreseeable future. I will be watching WWE, and, until they learn to observe proper order, TNA will sit. TNA is correct in sitting.







INT. ERIC BISCHOFF'S OFFICE

ERIC BISCHOFF sits behind his desk. SHANNON MOORE is seated
in a chair opposite him. They're discussing the events which
just played out at their TV taping.

ERIC BISCHOFF
Oh, man! That was some show, huh?

SHANNON MOORE
(nods, matter-of-factly)
Dilligaf.

ERIC BISCHOFF
I mean, they couldn't possibly have
seen that coming, right?

SHANNON MOORE
(smiles excitedly)
Dilligaf!

ERIC BISCHOFF
Really, who would have predicted
that Jeff Hardy's open challenge
would be answered by his childhood
friend, Shannon Moore?

Just then, the door to Bischoff's office is kicked in.
Standing in the door is an absurdly good-looking young man.
He's slightly over six feet tall, and he's wearing what
appears to be an nWo tee shirt. Eric Bischoff and Shannon
Moore are both stunned by the sudden presence of this
mysterious stranger.

SHANNON MOORE
(nervously)
Dilligaf?

ERIC BISCHOFF
Who are you? How did you get in
here?

Without a word, the stranger makes his way toward Eric
Bischoff's desk, stopping just beside Shannon Moore. At this
point, Eric Bischoff can see that, while it's patterned after
the nWo logo, this man isn't wearing an nWo shirt after all.
Both Eric Bischoff and Shannon Moore are now able to see that
this shirt says c-B-t.

ERIC BISCHOFF (CONT'D)
What do you want?

CBT glares at Eric Bischoff, before shifting his gaze to
Shannon Moore.

SHANNON MOORE
(nervously)
D-d-dilligaf?

In one swift motion, CBT grabs Shannon Moore by the ankles--

SHANNON MOORE (CONT'D)
DILLIGAAAA!!!!

--and slaps Eric Bischoff in his stupid face, with Shannon
Moore's stupid head, knocking both unconscious.

CBT
You're both fired.

Internet, before I go, I have one last thing to share with you. I finally remembered what Skip Sheffield's old job was. It had been bugging me for a while now, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I just knew I'd seen him somewhere else, a long time ago, but despite my greatest efforts, I just couldn't place him. Yesterday, I had a breakthrough of sorts. It was suddenly so clear! It was there the whole time! You see, Internet, long before serving at the right hand of Wade Barrett and trying to take over WWE, he was serving at the right hand of none other than Lion-O, trying to prevent Mumm-Ra from taking over the Earth:

That's right, Internet. Skip Sheffield used to be a ThunderCat. Panthro, to be specific. Now you know. And knowing is half the battle! Shit. Wrong show.




Until next time,



Stay classy, Internet.

(It's a fin. Get it?)

[AfroNinja]

Whenever I read these columns of yours, I think of you as Stephen Colbert. The way you say "Internet" like you're talking to us is like how he says "nation".

Anyway, another good, unique piece of work. I can't believe how much you have rapidly improved in the past, what, month since you started writing columns. You have really become a force to be reckoned with. Be there for LoPNXT 2.

[ChrisBear]

Two people will love this column for one reason...THUNDERCATS. I'm one of them, the other will reveal himself in due course I imagine.

So, Shannon-fucking-Moore. We know how he got the gig. Jeffery Brenda Hardy. Moore is a joke, not the worst wrestler in the world, but still deemed shit. Just shit. Shit look, shit mic skills, shit face. He's a shit head.

I feel this way also. I'm fed up of giving TNA chance after chance. believe it or not, a couple of years ago I was a fan. Kurt v Joe was in its prime and I was enjoying the shit out of it...now...shit.

This wasn't shit though.

Dilligaf made me chuckle.

[mr chop]

I heart that Senator dude.

Fuck Moore. Fuck him in his fake punk face. He does look like he gives a fuck. No one else doe's.

I'm not the second man that Chris speaks of. I do love the Thundercat's though. I used to have the sword. Best toy I ever owned.

[da_shee]

It's not often that we see such a stirring promo in the real world.

I was a little confused as to what you were going for at the start of the column. After watching the vid and reading the paragraph I was left intrigued by the above quote.

Especially after that one camera angle actually showed the edges of the trap door.

Respectfully, you'll only find that trap door if you're looking for it! :-)

As for the main piece, I liked it. If anything its a cheap tactic by TNA to lure fans in with promises of a 'surprise' only to unleash Shannon Moore. Shannon Moore may well be the only man who compares to the Charlie Haas pop in the WWE. You hear of JJ and Dixie tweeting these surprises but nothing ever changes. TNA was doing better before January 4th in my opinion. At least then they didn't have to strip champions of titles because they couldn't afford them.

TNA is correct in sitting.

Nice.

The conversation piece was 'ok'. I'm not sure if it added much to the piece, it came off as a little dry to me.

Other than that, you've been writing well, you've been very active around here and you're clearly taking the advice you've been getting and using it to improve. Thats what its all about; keep it up and you'll go far! Catch ya next time!

[THE MONKEY]

You know it's bad when as fans you come to expect to be letdown and thus try not to get your hopes up. So when I heard about Hardy's challenge I aimed low and would have been pleasantly pleased with a Charlie Haas or Gregory Helms, instead we get as you said, a person already under contract. It's like Mene Gene and the hotline all over again.

Another solid read.

[Current Big Thing]

Because I Got High Guy-- I actually almost went with "Nation," but I didn't want to outright rip him off. I thought putting a little spin on it would not only work a little better, but also turn my thing into an homage as opposed to a hack. :-) good catch, and thanks for the kind words. The response I've been getting, especially with the last couple or three, has been beyond unexpected, and I can't thank you and everyone else around here enough.

Bear-- You know what? I don't actually really hate Shannon Moore. I did really, really hate that HE was the big surprise. It would've been like if Stone Cold issued an open challenge in 1998, and it was answered by Steve Blackman. I don't really have a problem with Blackman, but I'd have been fucking pissed if the WWF built to it for two weeks and then delivered with Steve Blackman. I just realized that the way I opened that last sentence looks kind of like I'm proclaiming, defensively, that I have no problem with black men. Well, I don't! I like them just fine!
Anyway... thanks, as always. You're too much. How'd you get stuck with that pink text in Smarks' Court?

Chop-- Me too, dude. Me too. And if it's not you, then who is this mystery man? Damn you, Chris, for taking advantage of my printed predilection for surprises!

Shee-- As for the first thing, I guess I felt compelled to make some kind of a loose tie-in to pro wrestling. That second thing? Busted. Fair and square. You got me. :-)
As far as "sell the slap," it wasn't meant to add to, or to take away from the piece. It's intended to be a separate section of the column entirely. This week it wound up tying in, because I was appalled by Shannon Moore being the mystery opponent. I thought to myself, "Dude, if I was at that show, I'd have grabbed Shannon by his ankles and hit Eric in the face with him!" And I wound up using the section as a vehicle to get to that. Last week's sts had absolutely nothing to do with the feature. It's just something that's fun for me. Writing a scene, I mean. You're right that it's not the best scene I've ever written, but it was fun to write. The thought of Shannon only saying dilligaf made me laugh when I thought of it, as it reminded me of that onebad guy in 3 Ninjas who only said "dude". So that was really just me blowing off some steam. :-) Thanks a bunch for reading, and thanks even more for the kindness regarding the rest of the piece. I've been reading a lot of your stuff lately thanks to NXT, and that has given that much more credence to your words. Thanks again.

Monk-- You know, I used to call the WCW hotline for free when I was in high school. I knew a guy who knew a guy who had figured out what company actually hosted their hotline, (I think it was SkyTel) and the code they, WCW, used to call in and update it. I guess this guy must have worked for SkyTel or something, because he set a bunch of people up with all of these different hotlines. Remember that guy, SushiXXXXXX, or however many X's, who used to report for ProWrestling dot com? He had one! I had one too. We all pretty much reported shit we read here at LoP. Good times. Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to feed thereafter. That you seem to like my shit enough to say so means a great deal, and I appreciate the hell out of it. I really do.

[Shane]

I'm busy as hell right now...just moved, starting classes...lots of social outings and pool time.

But...I had to stop in for this.

Great flow and I'm digging the content as well.

Shannon Moore is as talented as Matt Hardy is thin.

[priest]

It's hard to believe you've only been here a month. The presentation of your column is exceptional. I'm with da_shee thought that the conversational bit was the weak part of the column, but it was still a great read. I too was pissed of that it was Shannon Moore. Is there anybody that gives a shit about him?

Keep up the good work, you're on a roll.

[Current Big Thing]

Shane-- I'm flattered and a half that you interrupted your busy-as-fuck schedule on my account. I almost felt bad about taking you away from the pool for a second, but then I felt better when I realized I was also relieving you of your unpacking duties, if only temporarily. So, about Shannon...you're saying he was talented ten years ago, but that he's put on about thirty pounds of suck since then? Well, when you're right, you're right. Thanks, dude.

Priestie-- Thanks a million, dude. You've been growing at an alarming rate yourself, as has been evident by your output throughout NXT. Shannon Fuckin' Moore. Really, TNA? REALLY!?

[Mazza]

Two people will love this column for one reason...THUNDERCATS. I'm one of them, the other will reveal himself in due course I imagine.

Present. You are slightly delusional however as Panthero is quite clearly black.

I don't usually read TNA columns because I don't watch TNA but your writing hooked me in. Your writing is way ahead of your column count and you have already mastered the art of entertaining writing coupled with a well balanced column. Great job. Keep them coming.

[Current Big Thing]

I'm delusional? Me? Look at your avatar? Who's delusional now!?

Seriously, though, Maz-- thanks a ton. I really do appreciate it. I think ChrisBear said, not too long ago, something to the effect of: "It's always good to hear nice things, but it means that much more when they come from someone for whom I have a truckload of respect." So, yeah. That.

Delusional? Please. :-)

[Morpheus]

I will fight Mazza for the right to be the second ThunderCats fan. I have all the DVDs, been loving them since I was but a small child. Hell, I can spell Panthro correctly too...

I liked this one. Shannon Moore can suck a homeless cock. Everything in TNA is "the biggest news ever" and it all falls flat. Just like this.

Nice Slap segment too. Very nice.

Thanks for the shout out at the top. I appreciate it.

MMCI

[Current Big Thing]

Morph, I meant every word of that shout-out. When you posted your initial announcement regarding your return, I marked out, moreso than I did for Danielson's return. Also, big ups for the correct spelling of "Panthro."

I've said it before, but praise from you is high praise indeed, and I really appreciate it.

[Mazza]

I just spit coke all over my keyboard looking at user title.

Thanks for the truckload of respect thing. You will lose it once you have been here a bit longer though, so don't worry.

And Morph... Well, I have to concede that my typo (I was like 7, why would I care how his name was spelt) and your DVD collection may make you more of a fan, but don't doubt ever doubt that I don't love Thunder... Thunder... Thundercats....






































...Ho!

[Dr. CMV1]

Addressing us as "internet" is growing on me, as is the format of this column...

You immediately got my attention with this whole deal on Shannon Moore. I haven't watched TNA since March. Your little rant about Shannon Moore's "debut" is precisely why I won't watch anymore. That place is a joke.

Even the "Slap" part with the fake dialogue is growing on me. If it's brief and has a point, I can dig it...

Very nicely done...far from "garbage"...

[Current Big Thing]

That which I referred to as garbage was something completely different. I had initially written a piece kind of halfway reflecting on SummerSlam, but trying way too hard not to be a recap, and I hated it. I had also tried to force in something regarding Daniel Bryan, but the truth is that I really don't know a lot about him, and so a lot of what I had written about the significance of his return and whatnot came off as totally contrived. Which it was, to a certain extent. And I almost put that shit up on Tuesday night, for the sake of posting "on time." Ultimately, I decided, "Fuck this piece of shit. I'd rather put up something I can stand and be tardy than put up a pile of steaming shit in the interest of punctuality."

Thanks for the kindness, Doc. I'm really looking forward to your next piece. Can't wait!

[Degenerate]

Am I the only 80's kid who didn't dig Thundercats much?

I've always viewed Shannon Moore as someone who most everyone dislikes, but doesn't really know why. Hell, I'm trying to come up with something to either say why he sucks or why he doesn't suck, and I'm drawing a blank. I'm pretty sure he got all those tattoos and funky hair and whatever else he's done to himself just because he realizes that no one really cares about him and is desperately trying to call attention to himself. I really have nothing else to say about the dude, really.

Overall, I dug the way this column is written. I read one of your first columns, without the title headers and stuff like that, and thought that the column could use some structure. It did come in time, as it usually does to many, and your column looks pretty good without it. Your confident voice is also a good thing to have too, as long as you don't cross the line between confidence and arrogance.

As a Latino, I approve of the 'Fin' end. Or more appropriate, "lo apruebo". Your work is getting better each time out, so I'll be keeping an eye out for you.

[Stinger]

Ever watch Ron Paul's "What If" speech given on the House floor? Or his "Neo-conned" speech? Now those are quality promos from a Congressman (particularly is what if one, which was fantastic).

This was a quick and enjoyable read, and you can chalk me up as another one who digs addressing us readers as "Internet".

Shannon Moore was okay to me when he was in 3 Count. He's right around average, but I liked him. I haven't really liked him since he got all tattooed up and running with the "Prince of Punk" gimmick. I suppose he works well enough in a low-card tag team, but as Jeff Hardy's surprise opponent he was definitely a let down.

I like the Sell the Slap segment too. I'm like Chad in that I really don't care for fake dialogue, but it works well within your column because it isn't the whole thing. It's short and has a point. I also love that you write it in screenplay format, which is different from how others do it. I've always wanted to write a script, and illegally downloaded the software, and actually did write half of two scripts before I just quit working on them.

Very good column CBT, and I look forward to the next one.

llll

[Current Big Thing]

...don't doubt ever doubt that I don't love Thunder... Thunder... Thundercats....Ho!

Maz, were you drunk when you wrote this?

Don't be so sure about my eventual loss of respect. I've been reading you for a long time, and there's always the recent interest you've taken in my balls. :-)


Deej: Was that early column the first part of that sort of "mini-miniseries" I did on Cena? Right after that, I was leaving feedback for someone, and I mentioned that I thought that they might benefit from a tighter structure. In writing this, I realized that I could benefit from the same thing. I think that was a big part of why that followup was as well-recieved as it was.

I actually am not Latino, but I am Californian, as we've discussed. Maybe that makes me, like, a second-Mexican, three times removed, or something? Shit. I just lost that approval of the Fin thing right there, didn't I? Oh, well. What's a guy to do?


Stinger: I may have to watch that Ron Paul thing, no matter how much my inner NorCal Granola-head tries to distract me.
I actually write 'Slap' in my illegally activated copy of FD, so we've got that in common. I'd probably still write it in that format anyway, even if I was writing it in OpenOffice. Ever snce I read Syd Field's Screenplay, I kind of think in that format when I'm thinking about how I'd write a scene. You should read it too. You may just find yourself digging out those thirty-pages-or-so long screenplays and rewriting them. I did. Now get out there on the Main Page and set that world on fire.