ChrisBear
07-08-2010, 12:21 PM
Include one paragraph on wrestling deaths during the 90s.
Must be 1700-2600 words long.
Use the word "jehosaphat" in it.
One paragraph about Stone Cold Steve Austin. A sentence about his bald head being attractive like in a Bruce Willis sort of way….
I have spoken!!! *thunder and lightning* #EndScene
Jumping Jehosaphat
The above is a phrase I have read several times, I had no idea what it meant or indeed how to pronounce it. I have nothing better to do with my time on a dreary post holiday weekday so I spent a preposterous amount of time researching the origins of it, there seems to be two theories. Surprisingly as I read through the many, many theories handed out in plenty over this medium we call the internet, two popped up regularly. They both got me thinking, both theories regarding the origin of this mysterious phrase could easily have been plucked from any column describing wrestling in the nineties. Think of these a mini-columns if you will. Allow me to reveal what ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ means…
Theory one
Jehosphat was the King of Jerusalem and had untold wealth. It was said he had a mountain of gold coins and an enormous penis (yes, he was a lucky fuck). One wintery day an army from Koopastan came to steal both his princess (Whom I certainly hope was disfigured in some way; he can’t have it all, can he?) and his mountain of gold coins. As was common ‘back in the day’ Jehosphat challenged Koopastan’s greatest fighter to one-on-one fisticuffs to determine the winner. Beforehand though ‘Jez’ (he is being given a nickname now) ate some mushrooms which legend said made Jez double in size and crush his opponent. Scientists since have revealed that the Basidocarpus todensae mushroom of the desert has certain chemotactic properties that increase hematocrit levels in the myofibrils of muscles, verifying the possible 'doubling in size'. Credit to Wikipedia for the scientific breakdown.
Now, history lesson over let’s talk about how I tie that into wrestling. During the nineties wrestling suffered from a series of scandals involving steroid abuse, albeit far more advanced versions of the wild mushroom Jez took. Back then, wrestling was similar to an underground society, a world in itself, we had no spoilers, fans were given next to no access to how the business worked and kayfabe lorded over us all. The fans had little idea of what these Greek godlike men were doing to gain their physiques. Today, in a mentality of ‘needing to know’ and speculative rumours we know how many digits Maryse uses daily to pleasure her undoubtedly maintained vajayjay, or how many babies Mark Henry ate the previous day. Back in the nineties only a handful of people had any idea of the inner workings of professional wrestling and less people knew anything about the individuals who entertained us weekly. Steroid abuse is cheating, that much is obvious but until the scandals of the nineties hit it was brushed under the carpet by most people in the industry.
When we think about how many of our top stars have passed away over the last twenty years, many, not all I hasten to add can be attributed to the abuse of performance enhancing drugs that were used during the eighties and then more so in the nineties. See with the abuse of the eighties wrestlers were under the impression that to make it, you needed a certain ‘look’ and if you wanted to make it in a business you loved of course you would take a short cut, wouldn’t you? If you could get away with it. I loved Rick rude as a child growing up watching wrestling, I once donned a pair of tights my mother owned and proceeded to gyrate around my bedroom, I don’t still do this, honest. His death in 1999 hit me fairly hard, it was the first time one of the wrestlers I grew up watching had passed away. I was told by a friend in passing that he had died. By that point I hadn’t watched wrestling since 97’ but the Ravishing one was a mainstay in what I had watched the previous 5 years. It was sometime later than I found out the reason for his passing and it riles me to this day that a man who undoubtedly would still have so much to offer professional wrestling was allowed to abuse his perfect (full homo) body in such a way. I checked after writing the above if Rick was in the HoF or not, I couldn’t find his name...
Yes, WWE is doing a much, MUCH better job of ensuring tragedies such as the above no longer happen and they should be applauded for it, ultimately for some it’s too little too late. Jez ate the mushrooms to be the all powerful ruler of his kingdom and died due to poor health aged 39 (although there are suggestions in the minority he lived for much longer). Many of the superstars we adored so much growing up are passing before their 40th birthday. I guess the phrase ‘my dick’s bigger than yours’ and other macho stereotypes have been around a lot longer than we knew.
Theory two
Jez much unlike the first theory was a coward, although the bastard was still very wealthy with an abundance of women at his disposal. Tut. It is said that Jez would align himself with the strongest nations of the time or form alliances with nations or groups that had the largest armies. When any of his said ‘allies’ would declare war on one another Jez would pick the side he believed would win. He was said to be incredibly clever in doing this, often underhanded. His ‘alliances’ would differ always dependant on who was either wealthiest or the most powerful and that’s how he coined the nickname ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’, due to his jumping from one ‘alliance’ to another.
During the Monday night wars of the mid to late nineties many wrestlers could be accused of being a ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’. That had a difficult choice to make, do they sit around and wait to see if their side wins or do they jump ship and align themselves with the enemy? Many wrestlers changed during the nineties, many made the correct move yet many more made the wrong one.
A couple of years ago I found myself in a similar situation, I’d worked with my current company for just over two years. My direct manager left for what she said was a new upcoming company literally just down the round from where we worked. She offered me a job within a month of being there, offered me more money, more opportunities’ but ultimately more skills through their very expansive education system. Four of my seven person team left with the remaining three of us deliberating hourly whilst receiving tempting texts from our former manager with promises of new found luxuries. Two of the three of us stayed put, wary of how a company with no real history or client base would be able to offer so much. One person saw the cash signs and became a ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’. That jumper was me.
The sparkly new interior smelt new when I got there. I spent 5 weeks being educated on things from presentation skills to neuro-linguistic programming (something I still have a vested interest in to this day). After the five weeks of being told how big this company would be and how huge my pay-packet would be down to bonuses I started the role. Weeks past and the novelty of the new desk wore off, the new skills I had learnt weren’t being used and my role was pretty much the same as before, I was just further down the line for any promotion. The bonuses were eventually retracted and alarm bells rang…I had made the wrong move.
The Road Warriors were THE tag team during their first WWF stint from 1990-1992, yes Animal got injured so took a long period off however the team was already no more due to Hawk leaving after the infamous ‘Rocco’ gimmick. Once Animal had recovered three years later they could have moved back to WWF, instead they chose to move to WCW under the influence of Eric Bischoff who (allegedly) had offered The Road Warriors a very lucrative contract. WCW was in the process of building a formidable tag team division and The Road Warriors would fit immediately into the title scene. They feuded with The Steiners, Luger and Sting and Harlem Heat but after several attempts, never won the titles. I imagine they felt they had been taken to WCW under false pretences, or simply went for the money, only they (or Tito) will know.
After five months of joining this ‘new exciting’ company I had left and been brought back to the company I still work for to this day. Nine months after I left 35% of the ‘new exciting’ company’s staff were ‘future endeavored’ (for the want of a better phrase) including the people I had followed over. The Road Warriors, like me realized they wouldn’t get what they wanted if they stayed put, so they went back to WWF and won the titles in the same year. I didn’t win any titles but was recently given a pen for 4 years of service. I’d get four years for rape but at least then I would have ejaculated. Point being, change is something we are told to embrace yet sometimes we accept the change without thinking of the consequences. Look at Chris Jericho who moved at exactly the right time, or Stone Cold Steve Austin, who not only changed the companies he worked for in the nineties but went from being a good looking blond in a Diego Forlan way to being a good looking shaven headed badass, In a Bruce Willis kind of way. They moved at the right time. Others didn’t and came running back years later with their tales between their legs…**cough, cough, Bret**
‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ – He would have been the perfect heel.
Must be 1700-2600 words long.
Use the word "jehosaphat" in it.
One paragraph about Stone Cold Steve Austin. A sentence about his bald head being attractive like in a Bruce Willis sort of way….
I have spoken!!! *thunder and lightning* #EndScene
Jumping Jehosaphat
The above is a phrase I have read several times, I had no idea what it meant or indeed how to pronounce it. I have nothing better to do with my time on a dreary post holiday weekday so I spent a preposterous amount of time researching the origins of it, there seems to be two theories. Surprisingly as I read through the many, many theories handed out in plenty over this medium we call the internet, two popped up regularly. They both got me thinking, both theories regarding the origin of this mysterious phrase could easily have been plucked from any column describing wrestling in the nineties. Think of these a mini-columns if you will. Allow me to reveal what ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ means…
Theory one
Jehosphat was the King of Jerusalem and had untold wealth. It was said he had a mountain of gold coins and an enormous penis (yes, he was a lucky fuck). One wintery day an army from Koopastan came to steal both his princess (Whom I certainly hope was disfigured in some way; he can’t have it all, can he?) and his mountain of gold coins. As was common ‘back in the day’ Jehosphat challenged Koopastan’s greatest fighter to one-on-one fisticuffs to determine the winner. Beforehand though ‘Jez’ (he is being given a nickname now) ate some mushrooms which legend said made Jez double in size and crush his opponent. Scientists since have revealed that the Basidocarpus todensae mushroom of the desert has certain chemotactic properties that increase hematocrit levels in the myofibrils of muscles, verifying the possible 'doubling in size'. Credit to Wikipedia for the scientific breakdown.
Now, history lesson over let’s talk about how I tie that into wrestling. During the nineties wrestling suffered from a series of scandals involving steroid abuse, albeit far more advanced versions of the wild mushroom Jez took. Back then, wrestling was similar to an underground society, a world in itself, we had no spoilers, fans were given next to no access to how the business worked and kayfabe lorded over us all. The fans had little idea of what these Greek godlike men were doing to gain their physiques. Today, in a mentality of ‘needing to know’ and speculative rumours we know how many digits Maryse uses daily to pleasure her undoubtedly maintained vajayjay, or how many babies Mark Henry ate the previous day. Back in the nineties only a handful of people had any idea of the inner workings of professional wrestling and less people knew anything about the individuals who entertained us weekly. Steroid abuse is cheating, that much is obvious but until the scandals of the nineties hit it was brushed under the carpet by most people in the industry.
When we think about how many of our top stars have passed away over the last twenty years, many, not all I hasten to add can be attributed to the abuse of performance enhancing drugs that were used during the eighties and then more so in the nineties. See with the abuse of the eighties wrestlers were under the impression that to make it, you needed a certain ‘look’ and if you wanted to make it in a business you loved of course you would take a short cut, wouldn’t you? If you could get away with it. I loved Rick rude as a child growing up watching wrestling, I once donned a pair of tights my mother owned and proceeded to gyrate around my bedroom, I don’t still do this, honest. His death in 1999 hit me fairly hard, it was the first time one of the wrestlers I grew up watching had passed away. I was told by a friend in passing that he had died. By that point I hadn’t watched wrestling since 97’ but the Ravishing one was a mainstay in what I had watched the previous 5 years. It was sometime later than I found out the reason for his passing and it riles me to this day that a man who undoubtedly would still have so much to offer professional wrestling was allowed to abuse his perfect (full homo) body in such a way. I checked after writing the above if Rick was in the HoF or not, I couldn’t find his name...
Yes, WWE is doing a much, MUCH better job of ensuring tragedies such as the above no longer happen and they should be applauded for it, ultimately for some it’s too little too late. Jez ate the mushrooms to be the all powerful ruler of his kingdom and died due to poor health aged 39 (although there are suggestions in the minority he lived for much longer). Many of the superstars we adored so much growing up are passing before their 40th birthday. I guess the phrase ‘my dick’s bigger than yours’ and other macho stereotypes have been around a lot longer than we knew.
Theory two
Jez much unlike the first theory was a coward, although the bastard was still very wealthy with an abundance of women at his disposal. Tut. It is said that Jez would align himself with the strongest nations of the time or form alliances with nations or groups that had the largest armies. When any of his said ‘allies’ would declare war on one another Jez would pick the side he believed would win. He was said to be incredibly clever in doing this, often underhanded. His ‘alliances’ would differ always dependant on who was either wealthiest or the most powerful and that’s how he coined the nickname ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’, due to his jumping from one ‘alliance’ to another.
During the Monday night wars of the mid to late nineties many wrestlers could be accused of being a ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’. That had a difficult choice to make, do they sit around and wait to see if their side wins or do they jump ship and align themselves with the enemy? Many wrestlers changed during the nineties, many made the correct move yet many more made the wrong one.
A couple of years ago I found myself in a similar situation, I’d worked with my current company for just over two years. My direct manager left for what she said was a new upcoming company literally just down the round from where we worked. She offered me a job within a month of being there, offered me more money, more opportunities’ but ultimately more skills through their very expansive education system. Four of my seven person team left with the remaining three of us deliberating hourly whilst receiving tempting texts from our former manager with promises of new found luxuries. Two of the three of us stayed put, wary of how a company with no real history or client base would be able to offer so much. One person saw the cash signs and became a ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’. That jumper was me.
The sparkly new interior smelt new when I got there. I spent 5 weeks being educated on things from presentation skills to neuro-linguistic programming (something I still have a vested interest in to this day). After the five weeks of being told how big this company would be and how huge my pay-packet would be down to bonuses I started the role. Weeks past and the novelty of the new desk wore off, the new skills I had learnt weren’t being used and my role was pretty much the same as before, I was just further down the line for any promotion. The bonuses were eventually retracted and alarm bells rang…I had made the wrong move.
The Road Warriors were THE tag team during their first WWF stint from 1990-1992, yes Animal got injured so took a long period off however the team was already no more due to Hawk leaving after the infamous ‘Rocco’ gimmick. Once Animal had recovered three years later they could have moved back to WWF, instead they chose to move to WCW under the influence of Eric Bischoff who (allegedly) had offered The Road Warriors a very lucrative contract. WCW was in the process of building a formidable tag team division and The Road Warriors would fit immediately into the title scene. They feuded with The Steiners, Luger and Sting and Harlem Heat but after several attempts, never won the titles. I imagine they felt they had been taken to WCW under false pretences, or simply went for the money, only they (or Tito) will know.
After five months of joining this ‘new exciting’ company I had left and been brought back to the company I still work for to this day. Nine months after I left 35% of the ‘new exciting’ company’s staff were ‘future endeavored’ (for the want of a better phrase) including the people I had followed over. The Road Warriors, like me realized they wouldn’t get what they wanted if they stayed put, so they went back to WWF and won the titles in the same year. I didn’t win any titles but was recently given a pen for 4 years of service. I’d get four years for rape but at least then I would have ejaculated. Point being, change is something we are told to embrace yet sometimes we accept the change without thinking of the consequences. Look at Chris Jericho who moved at exactly the right time, or Stone Cold Steve Austin, who not only changed the companies he worked for in the nineties but went from being a good looking blond in a Diego Forlan way to being a good looking shaven headed badass, In a Bruce Willis kind of way. They moved at the right time. Others didn’t and came running back years later with their tales between their legs…**cough, cough, Bret**
‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ – He would have been the perfect heel.